Well, they are adults, yet still my children.
But how did they get to be so wise?
From me, they say. From listening to me. :O
But how can that be, when at times I feel as vulnerable as a child myself?
Life is a strange experience at times. Love, even stranger. Or, to be more precise…..emotions are stranger.
It’s almost like they have a will of their own at times. They do their own thing, irrespective of logic, or knowledge.
Or maybe it’s just me who is strange in this respect. That wouldn’t surprise me. I’ve never been run of the mill in a lot of ways.
Some people “get” it/me. Some people….don’t.
[Oh, I so need to stop using those lines of dots!! A habit picked up from someone over hundreds of msgs. At one time the dots were kisses]
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I am very close to my daughters. I brought them up to always have a say in our lives, even if it was a simplified explanation they could understand. I value their opinions and I always wanted them to have minds of their own, and to never feel undermined or unrecognised or allow who they are to be squashed.
They have both had courage from the days they were born. And I didnt know how much strength I had until I had to get through the battles that came with motherhood. I almost lost both of them, you see. Even before they were born. And after being told I had a vastly reduced chance of conceiving in the first place, to then have pre-eclampsia both times!! And at 30 and then 20 weeks gestation……both my girls were extra precious from the very start.
My eldest was 8 weeks early, 25 yrs ago. 2 lbs 13.5 ozs (that half ounce is important when you are so tiny). The peadiatricians couldn’t even tell me if she would have periods normally. They just didn’t know.
A heart murmur, a tiny bleed on her brain amongst other, awful, life threatening things. And then many years finding ways around, over, under and through her dyspraxia, so she could ‘fit in’ and be involved with the wider world, without becoming overwhelmed.
She was my sunshine girl, with a smile that lit up a room and the biggest heart – so full of caring for other people. So very aware she wasn’t *quite* the same.
Now – you just cannot tell of her struggles as she grew up. Except she changes her clothes often, and sometimes has what she calls “bad ‘me’ days”. She is still a ray of sunshine. Funny, slightly eccentric, a bit of a rock/goth chick, and thankfully happy with who she is.
My youngest made it to full term, but was born with an under developed tongue and too high roof of her mouth, her small 5lbs 4 oz body limp, her little hands splayed out instead of curled into fists. She could not feed and took in 8 times more air than milk. She felt sated when she wasn’t. Then came the fits, and the “bugs” everywhere they swabbed and tested. She was so weak to fight the infection. But fight she did. As I did, for her. There was the almost total deafness that gradually resolved by the time she was 2. Undetected glue ear from the infection. But she learned to talk ok.
Always small, a little dot of a girl, not just slender but underweight despite every effort and tactic to get extra healthy calories in her.
But she still went blue, as she did as a baby. Until finally, after being tested for everything under the sun…….an enlightened dr suspected low grade asthma and treated her accordingly. She was 6 yrs old and in 6 months she put on a stone and grew 6 inches in height. She could finally run around and play without exhaustion within minutes and the dreaded blueness appearing on her skin.
They once told me she could have a syndrome there was as yet no name for. She cannot develop muscle and her ribs often slide out of place. Even now.
She is the quieter one of the two, mad on reptiles, and nature in general, also a touch eccentric and eager to have a family of her own some day.
I love my daughters. They have grown up to be young women I am very, very proud of in so many ways.
And they have wisdom too. And they offer it up in such a matter of fact way.
So, times like tonight, when I sank a bit, and tears threatened, they made it ok. They don’t think me weak for how I feel, even if I do sometimes. It was a blessing.
There is no time limit on grief. How can there be? We love. It’s a potent and powerful emotion. And when somebody we love is no longer there……it doesn’t matter how that came to be. The heart will grieve its loss. Even as it might also rage, it grieves.
Emotions are such strange things at times.
But oh, am I glad for the wisdom of my children.
And not just for that, but also because, by being their mum, I realised what a mother should be.
Chaos, Cats and Chronic Pain 