Last week, my therapy session drifted into the zone of liking one’s self.
I have been giving this a lot of thought since then, and in my usual weird way, I cannot get a real grasp of this.
I mean……..by whose standards????
Now, it’s easy to say – by your own. BUT….bear with me here…….where do our own standards come from exactly? You beginning to catch my drift?
They come from multiple and diverse places. Parents is an obvious one. Well, I seemed to perpetually disappoint mine by doing my own thing, so it’s easy to use their standards.
Other family? Ditto.
Friends? Well, many friends have their own cultural biases and expectations, and I have weeded out the friends with agendas, so the few that are left, I know they like me. I’m sure a couple of them love me, as I love them. So I guess friends are a very good standard to use, with a few exceptions. But then the exceptions aren’t really friends, are they?
People you have worked for, perhaps? Well, they must have liked you and your skill set to have employed you.
Society around us? Yeah, well, that’s a multifaceted and complex thing in and of itself, and there are multitudes of potential standards to be derived from society at large, and it very much depends on where you are within that society as to which standards you might possibly draw from.
I’ve never really felt I belonged anywhere, to be perfectly honest. I’ve always been slightly skewiff. I wasn’t one of the mums when I first became a mum because my baby was 8 weeks early, her milestones were different, I had a c-section, so according to some I didn’t “know what it was like”.
I was an oddball at school due to my allergies and asthma, which were rare in those days, and my (pre age 12) large size.
My spiritual beliefs set me apart, even from the group of people whose beliefs take the same ‘banner’.
And now, of course, my Fibro sets me apart. Leaves me isolated.
So, what standards do I apply to this ‘liking of one’s self’???
To thine own self be true? (for want of a better phrase) well, that’s a non-starter right now, or I wouldn’t be going round in circles like I have been.
Do I like myself? The only truly honest reply I can give to that statement, is that it depends on whose eyes I view myself through. Whose standards I apply.
Because I have found it near impossible to separate which standards are truly mine, and which come from my birth family, or those I have acquired along the way, and may not even be relevent anymore