Wash….Rinse…..Repeat….

That’s what it says on the bottles!!!  I wonder why they bother actually. I mean, is there ANYBODY out there that buys shampoo (or whatever) that doesnt know how to wash their hair already?

One of life’s tiniest oddities perhaps.

Hair!! Yes!!  And as I commented to someone at the time – on my portable communications device…..I was well protected from alien penetration for a while yesterday as I sat with a head full of tin foil. After an hour  looking like some kind of failed steampunk xmas tree, the transformation was complete.
And once dry, and under natural light, I am now predominantly blonde. With only a few streaks left of my own colour and a faint trace of the blue left here and there.

And I looked at myself. And I had a bit of a whirlygig moment. Ever get them? They are sometimes depicted on TV by a slight twisty effect and a sudden zoom in and out and a bit of a blare of music.

Mine was silent (low budget you see)  and there was less of the zooming but more of the  whirlygigging.  And I went back in time about …..cripes! 9 years.

That is almost a decade!!!  Blimey!!
Scary!!

But totally beside the point.

The point being that wayyyyy back then I had just moved house, just me and my girls, into a teeny ickle house because my relationship of 4 years had gone …..weird. And despite it being almost a decade ago I was just about to fork out £92 for a totally new hair do.

Gone were my long red layers of old. I had gone more chin length at the front and in the nape of my
neck it was about a no 3 on the crew cut scale. And it was deep auburn with blonde streaks. I had let the hairdresser guide me instead of the other way around.
But I loved it.
I was 6 months into an almost perfect job, it was summer and times they were a changing.

And as I stabilised back into the here and now I wondered at myself.
I know I havent been bothered about whether my hair was even clean for weeks now, and the day before yesterday was a particularly bad day for me. One where I just ……..couldnt……even think…..for most of it.
But at 4.50pm, on a totally un-premeditated whim – I made an appointment at the hairdressers for the next morning.

I knew it needed doing. My FM arms and shoulders dont like me having longer hair any more, and the blue was all faded and the highlights growing out. And I knew I wanted to try the pastel shades next. Just I hadnt planned it for today.
Nor did I expect to find myself putting the cd player on in the car and singing my heart out to Clutching at Straws album by Marillion. But I did.

Dare I say this?

*whispers*

I felt a bit like me again

OR

Was all of this symptomatic of something else??????

I really don’t know.

I dont know how I feel. Exactly.  It’s all very….

Well….there’s the bit inside me, that loves my loved ones. And that includes ‘him from last year’. Then there is the stillness of the void. That hasnt gone. Everything fell into it when i did. And yeah, maybe that process did turn me inside out in some way. I’m not the same. I’m not sure how i ever can be after the 6 weeks.
And around the void – is me.

But……

It’s almost as if – when click number 3 that I spoke of happened – and during the day before yesterday when my body was here but not much else – it’s as if there has been a kind of disconnection. Head from heart? Heart from soul? (Gods I hope not) me from me????

I cant explain it.

It’s not like 9 years ago, although there are some similarities. Its not the same in too many ways. I am not back to normality yet. I don’t know what ‘normal’ is now.

Although I am fed up of watching the wheel of the year turn through my window. There is little enough of life left as it is.
And maybe there – via my stream of consciousness burblings – comes my answer.
And I needed the day before yesterday to somehow process it…..it’s reality.
There is little enough of life left now.
So today I go with my girls to an event that we should have been going to as a group of 5, not 3. Knowing I should have – according to the original plan from last September – have spent this week just gone with him.
And tomorrow or maybe later today my hair will be lilac 🙂

And beyond that……..who knows?