Fucking up and Forgiveness ? (no prizes for counting the expletives)

But I need to trundle through some stuff. Feel free to ignore all the brain farts as you please. And so much has been going on – that if you read something here and think its about you, the odds are extremely high that its NOT no matter how many times we have conversed recently. Human beings are just the strangest things, arent we? I’m not going to bother waxing lyrical over human potential or human achievement coz that’s not what this is about.

But the one thing all humans seem equally good at is fucking things up. There isnt a single person out there that hasnt fucked up something or someone at some point. Or become fucked up themselves by something or someone.

No-one is immune.

I have seen the fuckers up and their ‘victims’ – worked with the latter and helped them piece what they could of themselves back together, even if it was only until they got home again later that day, before we’d start again the next.

I have been both the fucker up and the fucked up. Most recently I was both at the same time, which was unplanned and unexpected, but true.

Some people do it through lies. Some through violence, others – addiction. And some fuckers just dont give a shit. Some do it for pleasure, some to control, some because some fucker did it to them first, some because they dont know any other way.

And then you get the fuckers who can look you in the eye and tell you they love you but with every word and every deed you know that can’t be true! Because you dread seeing them. You dread their passive aggressive shit. They’re oh so pained and so deprived while they take things and twist them and feed you more guilt.

Was that vaguely poetic?

I wish i could remove those..people? from our lives. But i cant. All we can do is ignore and hope they go away. But they dont.

I think most people have far more sympathy for the fucked up, dont they? The word ‘victim’ says it all. But some people just get hit by life. And life itself can be a right evil fucker all on its own.

For some people resentments just build and build inside them over time, until suddenly someone completely innocent comes along who somehow allows them to release all that pent up………fuckedupedness onto them. And out it all comes…..bitterness, anger, betrayals – all from the past and leftover from someone else, some other time. Thy might not even realise what they are doing, or that they had SO much cresting inside them.

Jealousy is another one that allows the fucker up to do their work. Sabotague. Like little kids scribbling on the class swats neatly written essay.

We’re hideous to each other all the time. And this is just in the every day goings on – the soap operas that form our lives and those of our families and neighbours down the street. The hidden stuff. The hurtful stuff. The stuff that maims us all eventually.

And people speak of forgiveness. Of it not being about letting someone off the hook. Well, that’s all very well, if they’ll actually admit they did something hurtful, or even that they shouldnt have done what they did. Not everything bad is planned. In fact I bet most of it isnt. It just ……fucking happens.

But if someone refuses to even acknowledge their part in something – how can you let it go? How can you close the door on it and say – ‘ok – that shit happened. It was hideous. It was awful. But it’ll never happen again’ ? I dont think you can. And even worse if they just keep on doing what they say they didnt but you know they did FFS. It’s a nightmare just waiting to happen.

I knew someone once who never apologised. The words “I am sorry” never once came out their mouth. I knew this person a long time as well. They’d do stuff as a making up gesture – but I would long for those small but deeply significant words. They never came. It doesnt matter now, of course – years and years later. But then……..it became the proverbial holy grail. As these things tend to do.

I think – and this is my personal opinion. That for forgiveness you have to be able to have perspective. You dont even have to go so far as empathy or sympathy – just perspective. be able to see it from above, so both sides are viewed and ……seen. Problem is tho, that often requires dialogue – and thats the hardest thing in these fucked up scenarios of the fucker up and the fucked up, when even life long cradle to grave type relationships become fucked beyond repair. Emotions run too high, bitterness too deep – and ne’er the twain shall meet.

I don’t know.

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