It’s Starting to Build :-(

It’s the early hours of Monday morning and the anxiety about the stuff that’s going to be happening is beginning to build.

I keep wondering if the first session of therapy will be as hard as the assessment sessions were last year.

Or will it be easier because I’m not the complete wreck that I was then?

Or will the very fact I’m not actually make it harder?

Will I relapse????

I feel that I beat the clinical depression. But the fear of it returning is still very real.

Anxiety is quite another matter. It likes to sneak up on me unawares from time to time. The most effective tool I have ever used against anxiety is “Don’t think about it – just do it”. But the run up to things…….I can’t keep it from intruding into my thoughts.

On the day itself, I will be able to take a deep breath and utter those words – “Dont think about it. Just do it.” But not yet.

Then there is the first anniversary that is approaching.  I know this will be discussed during therapy.  And I don’t know how I feel about that. There are things I came to realise in bits and pieces over the last 15 – 20 years that got confirmed, without a shadow of a doubt, in the weeks that followed.

Confirmed in writing no less.

I read a post tonight, about scapegoating. I always knew I was the black sheep of the family. Goats……sheep……in this case, it seems there is no difference.

The other 3 had golden fleeces.

I have stuff to do tomorrow. I plan to try and keep myself busy. To try not to think. 

There is an undercurrent of change in the air…..like those faint hints of autumn you can smell on the breeze long before the leaves begin to turn. 

I just need to get through. To reach the other side.

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19 Responses to It’s Starting to Build :-(

  1. New Journey says:

    I have faith in you and not just the spiritual faith…I believe you know what is going to happen, and you will go, it will happen and then you will leave, there will be a beginning and a middle and an end to it….so why get anxious….its kinda like we all know the sun will set at the end of the day….don’t need to think about it, it will happen with or without cloud cover….it will go down and the moon will rise, cloud cover or not….so I say….deep breath…maybe two….and all will be good….you should not anticipate that which has not happened….nor put the thought out there…keep it positive and only think out loud what you want to happen….just a thought out loud….

    Liked by 2 people

  2. pedanticscouser says:

    Good Luck

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Donna says:

    You will get through it one deep breath at a time. You GO GIRL!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Good luck with everything! You’re going to do well 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You have been through so much and are inspiring. You are a strong, amazing woman and you can get through whatever life throws at you!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. lydiaa1614 says:

    My dear friend I send you a million {{{{{hugs}}}}}. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have been exactly where you are right now. I felt many of the same things you are during my last health ordeal a few weeks ago. And there is no point in saying “it will be fine”, because anxiety feeds off of that. Just know you strong, have a great family support system and you have gotten through this and more many times over. I wish I was there to hug you in person. You will get through – just take it one step at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Moongazer says:

      Thank you xx My Eldest is going to come with me, even though she’ll just be sitting in the waiting room for an hour. I keep telling myself this time tomorrow it will all be over, and trying hard not to think that it’ll be a weekly thing for the next 5 months *sigh*. I am definitely……jittery today tho. Thank you for the hugs xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Trisha says:

    Sending you strength and peace. You can do this!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Linda says:

    You can do it!! Take a deep breath..one step at a time 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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