It’s the early hours of Monday morning and the anxiety about the stuff that’s going to be happening is beginning to build.
I keep wondering if the first session of therapy will be as hard as the assessment sessions were last year.
Or will it be easier because I’m not the complete wreck that I was then?
Or will the very fact I’m not actually make it harder?
Will I relapse????
I feel that I beat the clinical depression. But the fear of it returning is still very real.
Anxiety is quite another matter. It likes to sneak up on me unawares from time to time. The most effective tool I have ever used against anxiety is “Don’t think about it – just do it”. But the run up to things…….I can’t keep it from intruding into my thoughts.
On the day itself, I will be able to take a deep breath and utter those words – “Dont think about it. Just do it.” But not yet.
Then there is the first anniversary that is approaching. I know this will be discussed during therapy. And I don’t know how I feel about that. There are things I came to realise in bits and pieces over the last 15 – 20 years that got confirmed, without a shadow of a doubt, in the weeks that followed.
Confirmed in writing no less.
I read a post tonight, about scapegoating. I always knew I was the black sheep of the family. Goats……sheep……in this case, it seems there is no difference.
The other 3 had golden fleeces.
I have stuff to do tomorrow. I plan to try and keep myself busy. To try not to think.
There is an undercurrent of change in the air…..like those faint hints of autumn you can smell on the breeze long before the leaves begin to turn.
I just need to get through. To reach the other side.