Often find me unable to sleep. Sometimes it’s because my pain keeps me awake, sometimes I just cannot get comfortable due to tight muscles or muscle twitches and spasms, sometimes my thoughts won’t keep still.
Tonight – my tinnitis is very loud.
I had a good day though. Chatted with my best friend by text, re-did my nails (a blue and copper glitter over black today 🙂 ), welcomed my eldest and her boyfriend home from their week in The Yorkshire Dales, and had company over for dinner – which I was well enough to cook 😀
But last week was quite stressful, and I had that terribly painful flare up.
But having all the gang home again, being in the company of friends both in person and via text, sharing laughter and hugs……it’s done me the world of good.
Yesterday I had a very…..down
moment, the frustration of having a body that just would not let me do what I wanted to, got to me.
Tonight, there have been a few tears as I have looked towards the future with plans and heard echoes from the past trying to keep me in a mind-frame I no longer want to be in. This was triggered, I think, by seeing photographs earlier of people I used to know. People who claimed love but only hurt and betrayed.
Old plotlines. Those people are no longer a part of my life. I no longer mourn any of them. Instead….tonight I felt the regret of all the time and chances I gave them. The waste of it all.
Some – I wish I had never met. Some – there wasn’t even that option. But I am better off now they are strangers.
Life is a little lonelier sometimes, maybe, but it is most definitely better. Ironically, there is much more to enjoy. And the priceless gift of being able to just be.
So, I will cry my tears if I need to, I will let the memories come…. and pass straight through. They are not now. They are ghosts. Images with no substance. No longer real.
The brightness of today’s happiness – that, I can touch. I can see it reflected in the people I love and who do, actually, love me too. I can hear it and see it and feel it and touch it.
The wee small hours of the morning often find me unable to sleep. Sometimes they bear witness to my tears. But, they pass. I will sleep for a few hours.
I will plan. I won’t ever give up – because of the good days like today. Family and friends, food, laughter, chaos, cats and creativity, conversation, cuddles and fun. Where these are is where I am, and it’s a bloody good place to be 🙂