Q. “Hiya, what you been up to?”
Q. “What did you get your mum for Christmas?”
Q. “What ya got there?” A. “Stuff”
You get the idea. It’s a great cover-all-bases without going into any kind of detail kind of word, methinks.
The picture above sums me up just now. I have had enough of today. I had a nightmare just before I woke up this morning that seemed to tap into all my minor worries and concerns and made them into huge scary monstrous beasts. It’s been a grim day FM-wise. It’s been kinda dull and cloudy weatherwise. It’s just been one of those days. You know what I mean?
I ended up watching the last 4 episodes of S4 of Game of Thrones on my laptop and on and off – just thinking.
I went to visit Facebook and regretted it. I came away feeling depressed. Nothing changes. But I did rescue a load of photographs from there so I now have them on my lappy and can share them here. There are some beautiful cat pics to come 🙂
But the ‘nothing changes’ tied in to the thoughts I had been thinking on and off all day.
And this pic, sums up much of those thoughts.
And all my life I have had this niggle inside me, this guilt, that I never lived up to anyone’s expectations of me. But that is complicated by the realisation that sometimes, I was ‘set up’ to fail. Maybe one day I will talk about that in more detail, but that day has not yet come.
That niggle, that guilt, has got to go. But where do I put it? Where will it go? HOW do you just let that go? Because it’s not like I am actually guilty of anything specific. I didn’t do anything wrong. I just went my own way. I didn’t do what was “expected” of me. How is that a crime? How does that make me guilty? It doesn’t. It’s actually something that should be encouraged and celebrated. But it wasn’t. And that is where the niggle, the guilt comes from. Other people.
Maybe another one of the ‘spirals’ that I have mentioned before is peaking again. And I am just becoming aware of it.
So, what am I? What have I to be thankful for about myself? Not my health, that’s for sure. But then, I have always had asthma and allergies, so I’ve always had stuff to deal with. I just got on with it, basically. Fibromyalgia isn’t as easy to ignore or get around though.
Maybe I am feeling like this because it has just been one of those days. Or maybe my brain is beginning it’s own therapy while I wait for my name to reach the top of the NHS waiting list for the real thing.
I am going to sleep on it. Consign today to the past, and try again tomorrow.