Thinking About Stuff

One of my best friends uses the word “stuff” to answer questions you ask him.

Q. “Hiya, what you been up to?”

A. “Stuff”

Q. “What did you get your mum for Christmas?”

A. “Stuff”

Q. “What ya got there?”   A. “Stuff”

You get the idea. It’s a great cover-all-bases without going into any kind of detail kind of word, methinks.

The picture above sums me up just now.  I have had enough of today. I had a nightmare just before I woke up this morning that seemed to tap into all my minor worries and concerns and made them into huge scary monstrous beasts. It’s been a grim day FM-wise. It’s been kinda dull and cloudy weatherwise. It’s just been one of those days. You know what I mean?

I ended up watching the last 4 episodes of S4 of Game of Thrones on my laptop and on and off – just thinking.

I went to visit Facebook and regretted it. I came away feeling depressed. Nothing changes. But I did rescue a load of photographs from there so I now have them on my lappy and can share them here. There are some beautiful cat pics to come 🙂

But the ‘nothing changes’ tied in to the thoughts I had been thinking on and off all day.

And this pic, sums up much of those thoughts.

10407406_10154837880585440_8058193104404205925_nWe live in a world full of pressure – to achieve, to excell, to surpass. There are expectations everywhere, from all directions.

And all my life I have had this niggle inside me, this guilt, that I never lived up to anyone’s expectations of me. But that is complicated by the realisation that sometimes, I was ‘set up’ to fail. Maybe one day I will talk about that in more detail, but that day has not yet come.

That niggle, that guilt, has got to go.  But where do I put it? Where will it go? HOW do you just let that go?  Because it’s not like I am actually guilty of anything specific. I didn’t do anything wrong. I just went my own way. I didn’t do what was “expected” of me. How is that a crime? How does that make me guilty? It doesn’t. It’s actually something that should be encouraged and celebrated. But it wasn’t. And that is where the niggle, the guilt comes from. Other people.

Maybe another one of the ‘spirals’ that I have mentioned before is peaking again. And I am just becoming aware of it.

So, what am I? What have I to be thankful for about myself? Not my health, that’s for sure. But then, I have always had asthma and allergies, so I’ve always had stuff to deal with. I just got on with it, basically. Fibromyalgia isn’t as easy to ignore or get around though.

Maybe I am feeling like this because it has just been one of those days. Or maybe my brain is beginning it’s own therapy while I wait for my name to reach the top of the NHS waiting list for the real thing.

I am going to sleep on it. Consign today to the past, and try again tomorrow.






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22 Responses to Thinking About Stuff

  1. I think we all have our days where we feel like failures at life in general. I know I do. While you’re waiting to make it to the top of the NHS list, here are some books I’ve found very helpful:
    The Heart of Buddha’s Teachings by Thich Nhat Hanh (very helpful in letting me let go of things)
    The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle (helped me be more present and dwell on my pain less)
    There is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber (I’m currently reading this.)

    I wish you well and hope things get better and better for you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Moongazer says:

    ((((hugs)))) Thank you. Both for the warm wishes and the book suggestions 🙂
    I like the sound of the one you are reading now – what’s it like? Xx


  3. pd says:

    Oh, its a great thing is stuff, i do loads of stuff 🙂

    FB is a pain, or is it some/most of people on it.

    Dont hold your breadth waiting for NHS waiting list, just as you move up and get near top, they’ll reorganise and loose you

    Liked by 1 person

    • Moongazer says:

      LOL … reminded me of that Fast Show character who did the adverts a while back “milk is great. I like milk” 😀
      I really can’t pinpoint what it is about FB. I don’t find it as “noisy” as I did, as overwhelming, so I guess that’s a step in the right direction for me. Maybe I just don’t belong there anymore.


    • Moongazer says:

      I think I just replied to you by ‘adding a comment’ again *d’oh*


  4. I totally identify with you especially the expectations. You write so well, even on a bad day. I have those days a lot at the moment. Trying to do things and the body says ‘nah’, then feeling frustrated and guilty at the time I am wasting. Then I remember I have fibro and arthritis and count back all the little things I have achieved so far that day (including getting up!) and am always surprised. So I tell muself I will rest then attempt something else. Sometimes I do sometimes I dont. You wrote when you had an off day but by sharing made me feel better.x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Moongazer says:

      Then I am glad I wrote it 🙂
      Thank you for the kind words, you’ve made me smile too.
      You’re right, we do need to count up the little things. It’s just much easier to miss their value when the expectations feel so big.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow, you know what, I could not have put it better myself. I am new to this FM business, I think I have always had it, but it got really bad last summer, so now I am 38, having to give up my brand new shiny business because of it, and once again I am just ‘mum’ to a 14 year old whom I hardly ever see these days! I don’t know who I am anymore. Thank you for writing such a beautiful blog.
    Lots of Love Light and Healing
    KitchenWitch xx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Moongazer says:

    Thank you 🙂
    I was 40 when I started to get ill and had to give up a career that I loved and had worked hard for. It’s as though FM robs us of ourselves, isn’t it? (((hugs))) My daughters were still in their teens too, but 1 at college and 1 in work. It’s hard for them too. Do you have a boy or a girl?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. A quilting buddy and I came up with a ritual to get rid of unwanted fabric without guilt. We would gather up the scraps we knew we would never use (and were too small to give to someone else), parade them through the house, and place them reverently in the trash. Maybe you could write down the things you need to let go – on lovely paper, of course – parade the list through the house and burn it in the fireplace?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Moongazer says:

      I really like the idea of burning them, actually. I could use different coloured pens to represent how each makes me feel too – red for angry, brown for ‘down on myself’ etc.
      What a splendid idea!! Thank you Lani xx 🙂


  8. magickmogwai says:

    Hugs! We all have days like this but you are right that there is nothing to feel guilty about, you are who you are and that person is beautiful and someone to be proud to be.

    You may also be right that your brain is trying its own therapy – I find that when o start thinking I often have breakthroughs in relation to my thoughts and actions that people experience in therapy. Maybe your brain knows you are ill and is trying to heal itself.

    Take care of yourself, do things to make your body and mind happy and try to keep a positive mind that tomorrow will be a better day

    Liked by 1 person

  9. lydiaa1614 says:

    Yesterday I felt like mush – pain, fatigue and stress and I was crying all over the place. I hope you are feeling better now. I love both your images – they really do speak to the FM crowd. I don’t have children of my own, but some that I look after on a regular basis (I am a sort-of aunt to them and I feel so bad when I have to say know to them coming over. Sending you warm and gentle {{{{{hugs}}}}}

    Liked by 1 person

  10. beverley says:

    I have a cold and have been coughing all night and today (it’s Saturday) my ribs feel like someone has been walking on them. So 4 episodes of my favourite stuff right now is just fine with me – the would be House by the way 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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