Even on Friday the 13th 🙂
It’s kind of essential isn’t it, being in the right frame of mind to do something that is maybe new, or that you know is going to be hard in some way. Even if you know it’s beneficial in the long run, it can still be hard to rustle up the enthusism and motivation to propel yourself into action.
If you aren’t in that ‘right’ frame of mind, you are more likely to fail in your intentions.
But when you are ill, when you have chronic pain, it is so much harder again, because chances are that if you don’t already know full well, then you at least fear, that it’s going to hurt. And with Fibromyalgia, we’re not just talking a bit of muscle ache. No. We’re talking the potential of an all out flare up of the kind of pain that before you got FM, you could never have imagined possible. I am not exaggerating here, either. Flare up pain ………….you do not want it!!
And when you are sleep deprived, oh boy, that slows you right down at the best of times. Mentally and physically. We all know that feeling, I am sure. Add chronic pain, sleep deprivation AND that permenant feeling of coming down with the flu………….and what do you feel? Like you’d want to snuggle under a blanket and pretend the day wasn’t happening? That you’d wait until you felt better perhaps?
Most sensible people would, definitely. Most people wouldn’t expect to have to push through pain, and feeling fluey AND a lack of sleep. I would imagine that during that combination most people would cancel plans, or phone in sick, and have a duvet day.
But what if that is how you felt physically ALL THE TIME? Day in and day out. The only reprieve being that maybe some days you got a bit more sleep – like 4 hours instead of 3. Or maybe you could walk to the kitchen without your legs shaking like a leaf beneath you, but by the time you’d filled the kettle as well as done that short walk, well……you have to hold onto things as you make your way back.
Or that maybe, you got dressed ok, but then didnt have the energy to go downstairs.
This is pretty much my life with FM at the moment. Yep, most days that is how bad it is. It has been for months now. I have focussed more on my mental well being, I think, looking back. But then that was kinda important 🙂
I know my Dr praised me last week, for my “personal determination” but even if the spirit is willing, the flesh is just too weak.
But I have been here before. After the problem with my spine kept me bedbound for 4 months, I had to drag myself back from that. I had to bloody learn how to walk again. It wasn’t easy, but I did it.
After my surgery on my spine, I had to do it then.
And on a much smaller scale, after each flare up of my FM that kept me in bed.
I know I can do this. I know how to do this. I just need to get into that *Grrrr……fierce and determined* frame of mind again. The sheer bloody mindedness that has seen me through so many things in life that were hard to achieve.
I have shed loads of things I want to get done. Shed loads of things to do. And they all seem so bloody out of my reach just now.
I am not depressed the way I was last summer. I am not in despair. I am not lazy.
So, what’s my problem? Why don’t I just do what I have done before? Why can’t I just do what I did before?
Well, feeling like I am coming down with the flu, being sleep deprived (it’s 3.22 am right now, for instance) and being in pain still from my pain crisis only the other day has much to do with it. Although the fluey feeling is permenant, that never goes away, nor does the pain. But right now, for instance, the muscles across my shoulders and across the back of my neck are so tight, they are half way up my neck. They have never been that bad before 😦
But I also know that this isn’t going to change, unless I get all *Grrrrr* and determined. It’s that simple. I have to work through, a bit more each day, in small steady increments to see any long term improvement. I know this.
And I refuse point blank to just give up. I watched someone else do that. That is not going to be me!!
I have incentives aplenty. Reasons. I just don’t seem to be able to get into the right frame of mind. It’s there logically. Rationally and intellectually…………….but it aint actually happening.
I’ve been wondering if it’s fear, of……………something? But it’s not. I am more frightened of getting worse or not improving than I am of anything else, even the pain.
But, there is something that I fear might have happened in amongst all of the shit that was 2014. It has only really dawned on me as I have been writing this. And that is, that I lost a part of myself. That the part of me I need right now, got destroyed.
But if that’s the case……………….I wouldn’t have got through last year, would I?
So……………the right frame of mind. I needs it. I wants it.
Any and all suggestions, thoughts, insight or inspiration would be much appreciated