Aye, there’s been a lot of stuff rumbling around my brain as thoughts lately.
It’s been a bit of a stew in there recently, if truth be told. As different influences give it all a stir, there’s been no telling what will float to the surface. While not all of it has been appetising, it has all been useful……or nutritious….if I am to continue the analogy.
I have a goodly number of planned posts for my blog, which means writing :-), which in turn has brought back the urge to pick up on the story I started.
I have my window open. The air outside is fresh with the promise of spring; the birds feel it too, I think. They have sounded happy today. Busy. The sun is shining in a pale blue sky. But it’s cold still.
It’s taken this long for the new year to sink in, I think. Fighting off germs and no sleep was not conducive to forward movement of any kind. But two nights of proper, decent sleep has woken up something deeper inside me. At least thats how it feels. I’m no longer content to just make it through each day, each night. Because that is what I have been doing.
I may have come a long way since the end of July when I wanted to shuffle off this mortal coil but I still have a long way to go before I am back to where I was before.
I wish I could erase 2014. Too much happened. There were too many losses. Too many betrayals. Too many health battles. Its no wonder I crashed.
And its no wonder the climb back to a life I recognise has been so slow. So bloody scary as well.
But if I was advising someone else, I would say “Take it slow. Go easy on yourself” and so that’s what I have to do. I have to let things unfurl in their own time. Chip away at the big stuff that could so easily send me off into avoidance if I attempt too much at once. I need to just be myself through each moment of each day as it continues to stop being a moment to moment and day to day thing as it has for so long. That is how I will build a future again.
There is no race. There is just pulling the pieces back together into something that fits, something that works. For me, and my family.
It will be Moongazer shaped and so not many people will approve or understand it. But it will be my life, my way. If it fits, keep it. But then, those who disapproved or didnt accept or understand are no longer part of my life. And I think I have only just this second realised that.
It’s quite a liberating thought, actually.
I feel better for having written this down 😀
I am off now to do some tidying up. Just one small part of something much bigger.