And The Start Of Another

That isn’t quite so good 😦

Today would be my parents wedding anniversary.

And if they were here it would be their 53rd. Sadly, Dad passed away with just over a week to go to their 40th. My mum passed only 2 months ago.

I cannot imagine being married that long. Indeed, that sort of time span does seem to be the territory of previous generations. But I am not going to go into any kind of social analysis here.

I just want to acknowledge the day. Acknowledge them. My parents. My thoughts and feelings.

To sit with the sadness of missing them a while. Although I expect it will last all day, and my thoughts will be with them a lot.

I was the “rebellious one” of their children. Not afraid to answer back. Although I caused only a tiny fraction of the trouble others in my family  caused, somehow my “crimes” were not forgiven, whereas theirs were.

I did challenge my mum on this a couple of years ago. All she did was look at me when I asked “is that the worst you can throw at me? I was 18 at the time!! How does that possibly compare to …………. and when……..and that time when……….?” But she stopped berating me.

I didn’t follow the expected path. I didnt live up to my “full potential”. But then the black sheep didn’t want to be part of the herd, couldn’t be. Especially when the herd let the black sheep know it was different……lesser……at every turn.

My two little lambs – I encouraged them to use and develop their strengths and to follow their hearts where possible. And their insults to each other are nothing like my siblings were to me. They don’t openly laugh at each other’s efforts, for instance.

It’a strange feeling when, as an adult, you realise your parents are as flawed as everyone else.

Sometimes more so.

But when my lovely gentle, but stubborn, Dad passed away, I knew he loved me, he knew I loved him. There was nothing unresolved. We had talked, while he was still aware enough, and there is tremendous peace that comes from that.

My mum, not so much. Not even close.
As a mother myself I just cannot understand how her mind worked when it came to me. It’s like an alien lanscape where trees are actually cars and dirt is food. I cannot – no matter how hard I try – rationalise it or shape it into anything “right”. And I really have tried.

But it doesn’t stop me missing her.

Human beings……..we really are terribly complex. There’s a part of me that shouts “you shouldn’t miss people who hurt you, who betrayed your trust!!!”

But I do!! I do! I do miss them.
Their absence from my life ……HURTS.

It can be very raw sometimes.

Because I loved them. I loved. And that love was betrayed. Not to mention abused. When you know you are hurting someone – that is abuse. The odd word or two in anger does not count! But continued, repeated acts of hurt, without physical damage to your person – is still abuse.

I need time to heal. It’s not something you can rush. Nor can you just ‘move on’.
Whether it’s family or not. It takes time.
Do you actually recover though?
Or just learn to live with it?

So, today is not a good day. Today is full of mixed feelings and mixed memories.

Is there a consolation?
Yes! There is. There are! That despite everything, I am better than those who hurt me. My relationship with my children. That I do not hurt others just because I can. And that I loved. Do love. Can love. Unconditionally and without regret.
They might have screwed up my life and my head. But my heart? Never.

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