This is actually a really good time for this post. It’s been stewing around my head for a few weeks now after an interesting conversation with a friend. And my daughter brought it to the fore again earlier.
My friend has a unique perspective on it after a particularly nasty experience in a relationship. Basically, her answer to the question of how can you trust a new partner is “you don’t”.
And she floored me.
My brain quite literally boggled! I thought ” Whaaaat?”
You don’t? As in like you simply don’t trust them?
I can now, finally, sorta get what she means. But I can’t agree it….or see myself being able to adopt it.
For me, and most people, I think, trust is crucial in a relationship. Any relationship.
Otherwise….what do you have?
Trust is the fundamental building block that everything else rests on.
If not……where is your “safety”? Your exclusivity? Your peace to just ‘be’ in that relationship and enjoy it?
To my mind the alternative is suspicion, distrust, caution, tension, fear. How can any of those things contribute to happiness?
Suspicion and fear eat away at you. It’s what drives people to read the blog of the ex of their other half for instance. To watch it for months.
Why would you need to do that if you trusted your other half? What are you hoping or expecting to see?
What you are doing is checking up on your other half!!
Half expecting to find something incriminating.
Personally I have never found the life of an ex even remotely interesting beyond the basic information I am given by my other half.
Although a key piece of information I always like to know is the length of time between relationships. Not between dating, but actual relationships. A short time……dodgy. Rebound risk! And all its implications….residual feelings being the biggest, probably. Not the ex’s. No. Residual feelings your other half might still have for their ex. I mean – seriously, who wants to “share”? Ick! yuk! And no thank you! Even in the emotional sense.
This is one major reason why I have never dated a man with young children. It took me a while to consider a mid-teen. She turned out to be adorable tho and was readily adopted into the family 🙂
Because you are always, always second best, as are your own children. And that makes life and happiness tough.
But I digress.
The other side of this, of course, is why would anyone want to be with someone who can’t stop peering into their past life.
Let me clarify that one. If you don’t google your new flame – you are an idiot. Plain and simple. Especially if you meet them online. But you do that when you first meet them.
Also, if something crops up that makes you go “hmmmm” – you ask!!
Fine – go ahead and google if you don’t get a satisfactory answer. Chances are that they are indeed trying to hide something.
And if they are ….then it serves them right when you uncover it. Because it is always ALWAYS easier to deal with the full story, the truth, than it is to live with suspicion.
When you find out……is he worth it? Really?
Can you live with it?
Can they live with your constant suspicion? Probably not. Well, they shouldn’t have given you reason to be suspicious in the first place, should they!?!?!
This is why honesty is crucial. The life or death of the relationship actually hangs on it.
I can hear my friends right about now saying “oh ffs!” and glaring at me.
Listen chaps, I knew damn well I could cope with whatever the truth was. I knew that I loved him enough.
So stop glaring, already.
The danger with googling is if they cover their tracks. That makes it very hard. And chances are you learn the hard way. If only, as one of my commenters said, people could be microchipped. Or barcoded. Quick going over with the scanner and bobs your uncle. Disaster averted or full steam ahead!!
But life isn’t that simple. I know this. We all know this.
Trust in other relationships…..also crucial. Especially in family relationships. And once lost, it’s impossible to regain. I mean…a lover could come clean, and you could try again if you were that way inclined and possibly a bit stupid. But within a family? Some contain the most basic of trusts, that should be sacred.
And that aspect is definitely for another time.