Only a little, but it’s enough to give me a wee boost 🙂
My legs didn’t shake as I climbed the stairs today!!
And looking at that sentence it seems so paltry. But this is how it begins. Tiny signs of improvement that give me confidence, that encourage me.
Our garden is looking fab! There was home produced compost in the compost bin, that has gone to help fill the deeper raised veg beds. And now our nest of rare bees has gone from inside the bin, we can use it again.
The shed still needs it’s coat of paint, but the fences are done.
And the bulbs from the pots need replanting in fresh compost for the spring.
But it’s now a space we want to use again, rather than a big untidy mess that just needs work and makes your heart sink.
The four of them have worked really hard 🙂
Only two small bouts of tears. One when asked “what happened?” and I answered.
He was just such an integral part of my life, you see. Talked about, loved, referred to daily. Right up until last month. Almost 2 years to when we first talked.
And now……….I have to rake it over whenever I am asked.
The reaction is always the same.
The same expletive descriptions are used.
There is also the expression of disbelief…..”how could he?”
The other watery interlude was the mention of my other wheelchair. The heavier, sturdier one. That was going to go and live on the boat, you see. So that we could go out places and see and do stuff during my visits.
So you see…..until a certain point in time, plans were being made. A future together was being gradually forged. Damn it…..he even gave me examples of other couples who were married, where one of them lived on a boat.
His daughter told him “you so have to marry this woman”. She told me that she had never seen him happier. That was at New Year.
That applied to me too. There was a compatibility on so many levels. Apart from politics and the odd genre of music.
There was also a frission like you wouldn’t believe.
Other indicators of intent for the future….year long passes bought by him for all of us to The Deep. Not a big thing, I agree, but that’s the point. It was done ……inclusively. Do you see what I mean? It wasn’t a “grand gesture” – it was just the sort of thing you do when you intend continuation.
He might not have been ‘here’, but he comprised hours of my day. Texts and long phone calls, in my thoughts and conversation.
Until his ‘depression’.
Until he had to choose, more like!
Well, he chose wrong. But then there shouldn’t have been any choosing to do. I was his forever person.
I doubt very much that he shared/shares with her what he shared with me.
But he couldn’t actually tell me. He never said the words…..”it’s over”. He just went quiet from 7th March….my daughter’s birthday. He told me he loved me, that day.
And if anyone thinks I talk about this too much. How long would it take you to ‘get over it’, do you think?
In march, after all this closeness and a period of ‘erratic behaviour’, he disappears, goes silent. His daughter was as worried as we were.
When I saw him in may – he is the one who offers the option to rebuild our relationship. He looked me in the eye and told me there hadn’t been, nor would there be anyone else.
In July, when he was “improving” I asked him if he loved me. He agreed he did.
In July his “other half” helped him look for lost keys. He wasn’t referring to me.
And the weekend my mum died, when I needed him so badly, but got no response……yeah, I bet he was with her then too.
No wonder his first words by way of reply to my news were “shit shit shit”.
I have my truth, that was experienced and shared by our children.
No doubt she has her truth too.
And lets be honest here…..if you were her……wouldn’t you want to know?
Does anyone deserve to have what both of us had going on behind our backs?