Lies We Tell Ourselves

Just for the record, this post is not directly linked to the last one lol.

This is another one of those nuggets that has flown free from the grind wheels of my brain.

Are affirmations still popular?
I remember when I got all self helpy in the 90’s….affirmations were ‘the’ thing. I gave it a go. But whether it’s because I am British, or whether it was because I was just too depressed, I don’t know, but I just couldn’t believe them. It felt like lying to myself.

Who was I trying to kid, you know? Because I *knew*  these little phrases meant to empower me where actually full of shite. Because I *knew* me.

There was no way I could say something enough times to come to believe it!!
But it’s so damned easy to tell myself something negative and believe it.

Hmmm…..bit of a chicken and egg scenario, that one. Because if I hadn’t felt it about myself, I wouldn’t have said it about myself. And so telling myself I
am rubbish etc was just agreeing with what I felt.
I could never get affirmations to “work”.
But they were just little lies really.

They were teeny tiny compared to the lie I had had to live through for the previous few years. That of being married.
I wasn’t being true to myself there at all. I was in a situation, and so fearful, I was screaming inside. Emotionally shrivelling.

I got out of that and could finally start living and thinking in a way that was true to me….and to my daughters.

I could have told myself til the end of time that, that situation was best. I had willingly done the deed in the first place, after all.
And there were the “implications” of getting out of it that just added more stress!! But they kept me stuck. You know, the whole…failed marriage thing, breaking up the marital home, what people would think, how to admit….actually, I had made a mistake…..I was wrong to marry that man.
And then the fears of telling the girls, tellinh other people, having everyone know I had failed/been wrong. The disruption, the upheaval, the giving up aspect. Because I am a very stubborn old boot at times.

But ….he could have looked like Brad Pitt and it wouldn’t have helped matters. It was bad for me, bad for every aspect of my life…..I wasn’t happy. I was miserable. Scared every day. For my girls and myself.
We could have lived in my dream house….it would not have helped.

Nope. I was unhappy, going through the motions, miserable, stressed, shrivelling. Because I wasnt being true to myself.

Once I stopped trying to “live the lie” of that situation, and the decision was made, it just happened as it happened. I had been brave even if I hadn’t felt it.

It wasnt the divorce, or any of the implications of it that took me into depression that dragged on for 2 yrs. No, that was because of everything that had happened during the marriage. The unreasonable behaviour and abuses.

Once out, I was free. I could…and did….fall in love again. I was free to be loved. To eat what I wanted, see my family and friends when I wanted etc etc.

The road as a single parent at university wasn’t easy. But being true to myself…..was priceless.

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