Well, that didn’t last very long. I am seriously sleep deprived again, which always makes things worse, but I will be *so* glad when the see-sawing stage of my grief is over.
I have had an awful lot to process in the last few weeks so I know I can’t expect things to level out as easily as they might have done if there had just been one straightforward period of mourning. Just one loss to grieve for.
But I have these level periods, when my emotions are….flat and calm. And then out of the blue comes this crushing tidal wave of grief.
And it does, it folds you in two. It’s physical.
And when this happens all i can think and hear in my head is “I miss…..”
I miss her. I miss him. I miss last year. I miss the security of believing she loved me. I miss being loved.
I miss them!!!
With such fierce force, it is literally breath taking.
Such….HUGE, integral, vital…..parts of my life, and they are just……*gone*.
They are just not here anymore.
The landscape of my life is something I do not recognise anymore.
And this tsunami of emotion….it isn’t depression. It is just simply…grief.
I am a small child who wants her mum because a mum’s hug can soothe a broken heart. I am a grieving daughter who needs the man she loves to hold her and kiss away her tears.
And I can have neither because I am both.
And my trust was betrayed by both.
Why all at once, tho? When just one would be bad enough, but dealable. No….I get all 4 in one great dollop.
And some times I don’t even know who or what I am crying for at that particular time. Yet at others, it is absolutely crystal clear. Usually the level of anger that’s mixed in lets me know.
But what else can I do but ride each storm?
There is no quick or easy fix.
Nor should there be. Our mourning is a kind of tribute, is it not?!
The measure of pain in direct proportion to the value of what or who we are mourning, and the space within us where they used to be.
I cannot change what is. And I hate that! I hate the total finality of it all.
I just miss them so damned much.