Listening to Full Circle by Half Moon Run through earphones. First music in weeks. And it is *just* exquisite. (And yes, Ross, I do mean exquisite in *that* way)
Not only is it a beautiful, multi-dimensional tune, but it evokes such a strong feeling, strong memory inside me. So strong and clear I can see the cast of the light in the room, feel how I felt that day. The memory from when I first heard it and the gift I made of it and the valentine’s card that made him cry. It always will remind me of him.
I was so excited when I heard it. Music is a big part of both our lives and I used to love bringing new music to him. The instant I heard this, I knew he would love it. I couldn’t wait for him to hear it. I hunted all their music down on you tube. But this one song was special.
And the whole time I had that excitement, thinking of him……his head was as far away from sharing things with me as it could be. Now, of course, I understand why he had so little ‘enthusiasm’ and why my card made him cry. And why I didn’t get a card. But he kept telling me he loved me. I was his forever person.
I still have every single text he sent me – from the very beginning. She is welcome to read them. I wish she would. She should know the truth.
I wonder…..if he feels the passion with her still, that I inspired in him. If he can feel when she thinks about him from 70 miles away. If she shares , or even understands his spiritual beliefs. If shared music winds a thread of bonding between them. If she *gets* him the way I did……
Does she see through and into you too? And *still* love you? Because I did. I saw all the good and the rest.
And I wonder if he has realised yet, just what he could have had, if he had acted with the integrity he claimed to have.
Total….and complete……honesty with me would have given him the security of love and the free way of life he apparently craved. Everything he wanted. He could have been himself.
But there were too many……things that made me question….total truth would have eliminated the need for that. Those insecurities and pressures would not have happened.
He created so many complications with his lies, and his fear.
Honesty costs nothing but gives *so fucking MUCH*. How could he not know that??
Too busy trying not to slip up maybe to see…….me.
To see that I might be “posh” by his standards, but I am so much more than that. I gave him so many opportunities to speak the truth.
How could he not know…….I loved him. And that meant even the things he chose to hide from everyone. The things that isolate him. And always will.
All of it……I could have coped with. Because in those weeks of silence I imagined everything imaginable.
But not being a ‘rebound’. Not being ‘the other woman’.
When it came to choosing, Ross, you chose wrong.
You didnt actually choose for a mate, or love, though, did you? You chose for the canal. Even more than for the boat you cannot maintain.
And how is that working out for you?
But a liar can never be trusted. By anyone.
I am recovering. I am getting over you. I am more than you will ever deserve or have again. And I deserved more and better from you.
Be aware of what you threw away. It was, after all…..everything.
Now, Ross, go and listen to Full Circle AND Raingods with Zippos for me…..and remember.