Wishing……

Do you ever wish your life away?

I have just caught myself doing it. Thinking how hard the next few months are going to be and wishing they were over and done with already *sigh*.

They are going to be physically hard…..I have to push myself physically to regain ground. But that is as much a mental ‘battle’ as it is physical. When you know something is going to hurt, you have to push yourself. And when you know it’s going to be 1 step forward and 2 steps back half the time, it just makes it harder. Especially when you are feeling low.

So, it’s going to be hard emotionally too…..the physical part. And in it’s own right, the upcoming therapy will be hard. Without the added physical difficulties 😦

So, knowing what’s in store…….I found myself wishing I could just be there in the future, already. Having got through all the hard stuff.

I will be glad to see the end of 2014 – no doubt about that. And to think it held so much promise…..back then.

But now…..every day is a battle in some way. And I am *so* very battle weary already…..I feel any strength I might have just drain away when I contemplate it.

And I hate what’s been done to me. This year in particular…..

But it seems like almost daily I am remembering more and more ‘stuff’ from growing up. For the longest time I had great long blanks in my memory and now I know why……I must have pushed them away. 

But I did manage to put something on the assessment form that I found hard to write. When I read it thru, you can tell bcoz it’s written in very small letters, as though I whispered it when I wrote it.

So, that’s 2 big and bad things they know now.

Yesterday, one person kept creeping into my head…..so each time it happened, I fought back in my mind’eye,  with punches and shoves……several pitchforks got used too LOL.  It got quite gory at times. But it worked!! Instead of dwelling on stuff, and giving it the power to pull me down, and possibly under again…….I fought it, literally, in my mind’s eye, and took it’s power away.

I *so* want to be past all this crap. And regaining my physical strength. I want to be out the other side, already, dammit!!!

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Depression and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Wishing……

  1. pauld says:

    all the time.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s