Having been up for part of yesterday and with the family in the evening, I then found I could not sleep.
I was doing so well with that too. I removed a stressor and had 7 good nights sleep of 7 1/2 hours, from just before midnight. Then I took one of the newly prescribed anti depressants…..yet another SSRI…. and after 3 hours feeling woozy and strange, then slept most of the following day and when i woke up….brain zaps, my vision had an after-image every time i blinked, and it was also ‘skipping’. The best way I can describe the skipping effect is – the film The Ring, where the creepy girl is so far away one second and then in a fragmented speeded up way she suddenly gets closer….but you see the fragmented, speeded up part? *That* is the way my eyes were seeing….or how my brain was handling what my eyes were seeing. It wasnt nice. And I never want it again!!!
I had ‘solidified’ in my sleep, and as I reached over to my bedside table…*sigh*……I felt all the muscles down the left of my spine and just under my left shoulder blade, tear. OUCHY!!! The ones I have been having trouble with. FM is just so…….evil…..at times .
So, today I have rested, boosted my painkillers with ibuprofen, and tried to fill more of my assessment forms in. They are not easy. You have to dunk yourself in your ‘problems’ again, scrummage around and then work out how to express it. Me NO like!!
But I am trying…as I was before…to find a sense of reward/achievement/something good from every day.
Last night’s was easy….dinner and a film with the family. We watched The Book Thief – it was brilliant!! Every bit as good as the book 🙂
But today…..not so easy at all.
I’m here. I’ve been doing something that needs to be done. BUT…..how do you answer a question like…”how do you feel other people see you?” now where do I start with that one, eh???
Possible replies include….stupid, worthless, as an emotional punchbag, unlovable, not enough, to be used, disposable. To name but a few. And ‘stupid’ could be included multiple times!!!
I am going to have to (try to) sleep on that one.
One question that was easy to answer…..”what doesnt help?”
Yeah…got that box filled in easy enough.
This is only the very beginning tho. There will be at least one assessment session of approx 2 hrs duration. And then the therapy itself, of course.
I just wish I could concentrate properly, as I have writing ideas swimming furiously round my head…including a way to restart the story I had completed to novel length…..before it got nicked when my pc did all those years ago. Thats a total of 5 “big” storylines splashing round in there at the moment, but I dont seem to be able to concentrate long enough to even switch the lappy on.
Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing. As is pain.
But I am here…..and tomorrow is another day.