Autumnal Thoughts

No tunes tonight. Just me and my grasshoppery brain. Although today, for the first time in a very long while, my thoughts have been quieter.
Only one lot of tears, and they were the result of a lovely compliment I got paid, so they came with a beaming smile too 🙂
They were words that added a bit of strength to my tiny flicker of hope for the future.
Thank you, that man!!

Autumn is my favourite time of year. I love the way the air smells, the freshness to it; as I love the changing quality of the light and the gradual turning of the leaves. And I always have the urge to go out and buy stationery even though my children, and I, are long out of education.

Our owl is back 🙂 His screech echoes in the late evening from the tree behind the house, and with my “neighbourhood surround sound” he seems very loud indeed.

The house was busy again today, with the lovebirds back from their working fortnight, my eldest having a weekend not working and her other half here as well. I always did like a house full of life. Maybe its from growing up in such a large family, or from my happiest times being filled with people, and of course..25 years as a parent, I dont know. But my world is more grounded somehow when people flow around me. It’s a big part of why I prefer living in a city to being out in the stix. There is life here.

Although I will always miss the wide unpolluted night skies of the back of beyond. It is not easy to moongaze with the orange glow of streetlights.

Today I went on a quest online, spurred on by the words of a friend, and even though I have looked for these things many times at regular intervals over the last 10 mths or so, today……..well, I found what I was seeking 🙂 and then some. And it felt…..almost like a blessing on my planned endeavor. One that wasnt there before, obviously.

And I have 3 new books to read 🙂 2 from ebay, at bargain prices, the other a gift from my eldest, who understands my need to read.

Autumn is a slowing down, as well as time of ripeness and activity. Sometimes it feels as though the whole world slows, with those misty mornings and falling leaves. Until the winter solstice – that pivot point of the year – when the sun ‘stops’ in the sky on our shortest days.
Of course, no matter how hard we may try to live in tune with the earths rhythms, as modern people in a modern world, unless we live as our ancient ancesters did, we will never be able to do more than honour, i dont think.
Even in the city you can feel it. If you bother to stop and just “be” for a while. The energy of the life that sustains us, the earth beneath our feet, the sky above our heads, shifting, slowing, drawing in.

So, as the wheel of the year turns, this year I feel it more strongly than I have for a while. And its amazing 🙂

This could be because I am free now of medications that work on my brain….4 days of no migraine pills now and no sign of a symptom……or it could be because I have just let go of ….something. Or it could be because I am now free of something else…..I dont know. Do I need to know? Ahhh…that restless brain of mine again lol.
Whatever it is….I am enjoying it.

As is usually the way with these things, and me, there are patterns. Unexpected encounters offering reflections of what has just passed. I can muse at them…….but not pursue them. I am done chasing white rabbits.

As the curtains close on the deepening nights, wrapping my household in safety and warmth, so my thoughts must turn inwards, in ways that …..maybe they havent done before.

It feels appropriate, somehow, to begin this process of therapy now – at this time of year.

It won’t be easy. I have been warned of this. But it needs to be done. Time to go through the boxes in the attic, dust off the crap, and throw away the stuff that poisons the here and now.

I am so very glad of my friends. Without them and my daughters I wouldnt have made it past July. And although only one or two actually read my blog, I will say it here anyway…..Thank You xx For just being who you are, and for keeping me going by just being you.

Oh – there goes the owl. He’s in the tree outside my window now.

So…..here’s to Autumn….the season of changes, when the world around us absorbs the rot to nourish the new that is to come.

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