I’m not going to post here anymore.
This blog was supposed to be a record of my return to normality after I had major surgery 5 years ago. This last year it’s become a catalogue of loss, betrayal, a descent into madness and yet more loss with more pain than one person should have to cope with in 6 months.
Who needs that? I bloody didnt, that’s for sure.
In the last 6 months more than at any other time in my life I have learned the following:
I’ve learned that those you love can secretly hate you. 3 times I found that out this year. 3!!
That I am not worthy of the most simple, basic human courtesies that I extend to others even on my worst days.
That people who damage you, as opposed to just hurting you, never apologise.
That my lifelong insecurity of not being enough…..wasnt an insecurity. It was just the plain and simple truth.
That you can give your absolute everything to someone….and hours, days and weeks of your life to helping them……and they can not even notice or throw it back in your face.
That I am damaged beyond repair.
I mean……who the fuck could possibly love me now, eh? I thought it was a longshot before I met Ross. Never imagined for a *second* i’d be so instantly disposable to him, of all people. But I was.
I have loved that man….so much. Through fucking thick and thin, sickness and health, richer and poorer……But I wasnt his wife!! No, I was his forever person.
And stuck by him, I did. I had faith. I believed in him when no-one else did. I put up with with his moods and mardiness, his bad behaviour and sulking. Because I loved him. And because….like his daughter….I knew what an amazing man lay hidden at the bottom of the abyss.
I put up with his restrictions and silences. I put up with it all when, lets be brutally honest here, most other people would have walked away and labelled it “self respect” to excuse the fact they didnt have it in them to live up to what ‘love’ really means.
And he has proven he cares for me. In the last 2 weeks he has done something that i didnt expect, that went, i felt, beyond the boundary of even ordinary love. It was the sort of thing *only* a forever person could or would do. And he did it for me. Though he didnt see it that way. Because he’s at the bottom of the abyss.
And I know that abyss all too well. I know how it sucks you dry, how it robs you blind and how it turns you against yourself.
But I’m………unable…….simply unable to cope with any more. I cannot take one more unanswered question. I cannot bear another silent morning. It is like pouring boiling water over gaping sores to have one more refusal to actually speak to me.
Especially…..for the love of all that’s holy……..for fucks sake!!!!…..especially when he knows it does both of us good.
I can’t take it anymore, Ross. I love you. The gods know I love you.
But i just cant ….anymore.
And I’m sorry. If I am letting you down….I am sorry.
I did my best. And it wasnt enough. I tried my hardest to help you, to give you what you needed as well as what you wanted. And it wasnt enough.
Maybe if mum hadnt died. Maybe if i hadnt learned what i did. But they did happen.
And what I need now, more than anything in the world……you cant give me. And it’s such a simple, small thing…. I’m actually laughing at myself as I’m crying. Because its so small and simple its practically pathetic! And the irony is….you wouldnt even have to say a fucking word.
And I would……I’d pay to have it.
So, anyway. This is the last post of this blog. I’ll dispose of the moongazer’s meanderings in due course. This….like my facebook account will stay but remain unused.
Whatsapp can go fuck itself.
To quote from my favourite play….Shakespeare’s Richard iii
“I am, too childish foolish for this world”.