(Staind – Epiphany)
The often amusing online Urban Dictionary offers a definition for ‘epiphany’ as being “A major realization in life”. Yes. There was certainly one of those this last week. An epic sized one of killer proportions. And I’m a bit like one of those houses from those old nuclear bomb test films now.
There is no doubt that some things that happen in life, change you. Some change your perceptions or opinions, but others seem to actually cause some kind of substantial shift within the very core of who you are. You experience it on an almost physical level. And there’s no way that once that thing has happened – or become known to you – that you can ever *be* the same as you were before. Its impossible to ever see/feel/remember/understand etc anything in quite the same way again. Because from that point on…….the world is a different place. Your place within the world, or at least your small corner of it, is different. In essence, your reality has shifted.
So, things you once took for granted – you find yourself questioning. Memories you once held dear – hold the potential for nightmare. Happiness you trusted – disintegrates under scrutiny.
Your rose tinted retrospectacles have been refitted….and they now have hi tech infra- everything. Hindsight no longer has a rosy glow. The veil has truly been lifted. But clarity isnt always a blessing. There are some…..a very, very small number of things in life……that *should*…..in an ideal world….be inviolate.
I have this thing about honesty. I despise being lied to. And I have always felt that if you know the truth….no matter how awful….at least you can deal with it. You can work with facts. Even emotionally laden ones. But lies….you can do nothing with them except fuck things up.
Now, I am not so naive that I dont know that sometimes, edges have to be blurred. Or that mistakes need to be painted over. Especially if genuine ambiguity or uncertainty is involved. People are human after all.
But there is a world of difference between that and actually living and breathing an untruth. In perpetuating untruths and playing one set of untruths against others.
Complex webs need to be created and maintained and personally, it completely confounds me.
I wonder if I am from the same species at times.
My life has been turned upside down this year. It has been beyond hideous. It has been heartbreak and pain and loss almost constantly. One after another. Blow after blow.
And I have had physical illness and pain to contend with too.
I had a breakdown. And just as I see the light at the end of the tunnel approaching (and it doesnt trigger a migraine), my mum dies. Then this.
And I’m just…..floundering. I’m….at a loss to fully comprehend it.
Because it goes so totally against the grain….the very essence of all that I am.
*That* is my consolation. That I am different. That I could not be that way. And when I can push aside all the shite that this has polluted me with, to grasp hold of that fact, I feel tremendous….huge…..relief.
I am not like that. I am, in fact, better than that. And for that I thank the starry skies.
Maybe, in that sense of relief I will find my way back to myself. Maybe.
I don’t have any idea what the future holds. I have been just existing hour to hour recently.
And resuming my plans to sort stuff out before shuffling off this mortal coil to escape the endless misery that has taken over my life.
So yeah….what do they call it….suicidal ideation? Its back.
Although today…..for the time it took to write this post……i did have thoughts of a future.
My appt with the psychiatrist is coming up soon. My girls and my beloved friend think I should go. But I dont know. They will probably want to prescribe me drugs that i dont want to take. And i doubt very much if CBT can influence *this* problem. I’d actually pee my pants laughing at that idea if it wasnt so tragic that that is probably the best the nhs has to offer. So, i am not sure there is any help to be had.
I did realise something else the other day tho….and this was only a small thing really, but still has significance because it was *felt*….and that is that as much as I still love my beloved friend, and I do, and as glad as I am that he is beginning his own journey down the tunnel and out from the abyss, i need to adjust where he is in my life. He’s been there for me during this most hideous of times. He’s been a star, actually. Our bond remains. But, i just need to shuffle him around a bit. He doesnt need me, so……
(Staind – Outside)
If you know these songs – the words – you’ll probably have a better understanding of where my head and heart are at. If you don’t know……you tube is your friend. Go on, pd 😉 my taste in music isnt *that* bad.
from the song:
and you can bring me to my knees, again. …All the times that i felt insecure, for you and i leave my burdens at the door. BUT I’M ON THE OUTSIDE, I’M LOOKING IN. I CAN SEE THROUGH YOU, SEE YOUR TRUE COLOURS, INSIDE YOUR UGLY, UGLY LIKE ME I CAN SEE THROUGH YOU, SEE TO THE REAL YOU!!!
All the times that i felt like this wont end. Its for you. And i taste what i could never have, it was from you. All the times that i’ve cried, my intentions full of pride. But i waste more time than anyone.
All the times that i’ve cried, all this wasted, its all inside, and i feel all this pain, stuffed it down, its back again and i lie here in bed all alone i cant mend.
BUT I’M ON THE OUTSIDE. I’M LOOKING IN.