The Last Step……Hopefully

As in, I am 2 doses in now to what I hope will be the final week of the duloxetine withdrawal. I halved the half again, so i’m onto an 1/8 of the 30mg capsule. And that capsule is 1/3 of my original dose. Almost there!!

I have had a couple of very brief, mild “brain zaps” but like this last step down, I will give myself a good few days before stopping altogether. I doubt I could have done it without the 5htp. Anyone else out there who is attempting this….please google The Mood Cure and visit the website. Read the advice on there!!! It comes direct from an expert and not 2nd/3rd/4th hand on forums.

The thing is……I was first prescribed prozac back in the mid 90’s. And I can remember these brain zaps from then, when I stopped taking it. My gp at the time was totally baffled. He put me through all kinds of neurological assessment, and concluded it was “stress”. I remember feeling scared at what I was experiencing, but not actually “stressed”  any more than usual generally.

There have been no less than 3 other occasions since then, over the last 20 years, that I have been investigated for “unusual” neurological symptoms that not even neurologists could decipher……all put down to “stress”.
Of course, now I have the benefit of my retro-spectacles (hindsight) they all occured after I had been treated with drugs that worked on my brain.

Lyrica (pregabalin) is one of them.  The funny turns I had after that were terrifying.

I am going to ask for my medical records, I think….because I cannot remember the names now of the other anti-depressants.

But I will tell you…..my mood has improved SO much. I’m level. And most importantly…..clear headed. So that now, if any of my old….long established…..negative self doubts and negative thoughts creep in……I am aware of them. They don’t send me spinning off into misery hell like they used to.

It has been entirely like walking out of a fog into clear skies and fresh air.

Oh it’s still early days….I have a life time’s lack of nutrients to try and replenish. And 20 odd years of shitty thinking to dispose of. *That* doesnt happen in just a few weeks. No – but now I stand a fighting chance. Now I recognise it for what it is. And now…..I have perspective. Which is fucking amazing 🙂

My sleep is still frustratingly messed up. But following the amino acid therapy, I added in GABA – described as “natural valium” (the irony of that description!!!). GABA basically has a relaxing effect. And I can vouch for that. Not that it has allowed me to stay asleep for any longer, but that I have only been taking it for…4 nights and after the second dose, I woke up with soft shoulder muscles.

This might not seem like much…..but for me, it was huge!!!

Those muscles are permenantly rigid due to my FM. If anyone is brave enough to try massaging them into submission….they are usually forced to give up due to their own fatigue before my muscles do. And if my muscles do happen to give a little, it lasts about 20 minutes before they resort to form.
But that morning…they were soft. I didnt look like quasimodo for once, or the incredible hulk. (and seriously, its not a good look on a 5ft 2 woman). They were soft enough for me to feel into the ‘dint’ between my collar bones. I cannot remember the last time I could do that!!!

It lasted about an hour, and oh did those muscles ache as they stiffened up again. But it was an hour I will cherish for a long time.

I think the GABA combined with the 5htp and magnesium is allowing my body to properly relax as I sleep, and for me to sleep deeper so some proper healing and repair can take place.

It gives me hope.

So……I am almost there.

I am so very glad I decided to try this. I mean, I couldn’t have got much lower than I was. And seriously….deadly serious here……if your pet cat or dog was suffering as much as I was physically….with the migraines, the FM pain, and it affecting their quality of life as much as mine was affected…..you would have done the humane thing. We all would.
I had the full awareness, depression on top, and everything that meant for me and those I love…….and there was no help to be had. Because I was rational. Because the system in the uk stinks. It is broken.

It was down to me. I made a choice to get stubborn and spit in the eye of what life had handed me.

And I am trying not to be steaming angry about all that. Its a battle I cant win and this is one time that nothing I do will make a blind bit of difference.

I just want to focus on rediscovering me. And seeing where this new path takes me……but I know one thing for sure…..the journey is going to be as interesting as the destination. And it’s a bloody long time since that was available to me too.

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