Yeah, that sums it up pretty well. But, its a step forward that I can identify that one single feeling, that it isnt drowning me and I guess that I inadvertantly put a ‘time limit’ on it – tonight.
But I don’t feel all yay and squeee about those things. Coz I feel sad.
My shuffled soundtrack is appropriate tonight.
So, what’s making me sad?
That’s harder to articulate lol. I could say people. But thats not strictly true. I could say ‘Life’, but that’s way too general and there are specifics.
No, I guess it’s because I had a sort of epiphany last night after I blogged. I had a cry and I thought about it all. And how it changed……or put a whole different light on some things.
I then sent a msg to someone that this realisation of mine actually had/has a direct impact on. But they haven’t read it. I wonder how many other important bits and pieces they just havent read.
I have told two other close friends about it. They have both been with me through all of this. (OMG – one of my all time favourite pieces of music has just come on. Reward! See, my method works! I haven’t heard this for months. It’s Grendel by Marillion btw)
Anyway, this epiphany is simple really. Because of events that had already happened in 2013……as a kind of putting the flag on top of a mountain of other events throughout too many years to count…..I would have broken anyway.
Events of this year have been, without a doubt, bad enough in and of themselves. Coming so thick and fast – heaped upon me as they were – was even worse. BUT on top of what I already carried……I didnt stand a chance. I was a sitting duck for this whole emotional/mental collapse. If it hadn’t been this year, it would have been another.
This doesn’t wipe away the roles people have played this year. There are 2 people who hurt me very…..badly..that have barely been given a passing mention. They weren’t family. I loved them, but was not in love with them. They had no ‘excuse’.
But then, my epiphany wasn’t for anyone else. It was for me.
This might not make sense to someone reading. But that sentence up there is just one more tiny example of my ‘damage’.
And I can recall 2 things from 2 different times in my life and 2 separate counselling sessions. One where the chap looked around my house and said “I don’t see much of you, your personality in this room, do you? Why is that?”
He rendered me absolutely speechless at the time.
The fast answer is – I wasnt allowed it. It sounds mad. Unthinkable even, but this is 20 years ago. And its perfectly true.
The second, the counsellor commented that I talked without emotion. I told her about stuff but it was ….flat. She wanted me to do an empty chair exercise…where you imagine someone sitting in a chair and you vent your spleen at them. I couldnt do it. I just couldnt bring myself to do it. To even try. It felt…..excruciatingly disloyal.
(Another fave song – Timbaland/One Republic – Apologise)
So, while this epiphany had/has a direct impact on one person close to me – if they ever read my msg – it’s real relevence and importance is purely to me. Because the damage was done to me.
(Bloody hell!! My shuffle is positively psychic tonight LOL)
And a big part of my epiphany is that – now I know what underpins so much of my life, i can now deal with it.
I described it to a friend as like a massive jigsaw puzzle. As i get each tiny new piece, the overall picture becomes clearer and i CAN’T NOT see it. And the wider picture makes more and more sense.
I can do nothing about the past. Nothing. But i can deal with its effects. That might be by blogging, i could just decide to let it go……i could talk to a professional. There are options. But the *most* important thing is that I **choose** to not continue as I was. I **choose** to be me. I **choose** to heal, basically.
And how come my brain takes so long to catch up… i guess there’s another reason why i am sad. Not that i am choosing to heal…but that others are choosing not to. Or at least that is how it seems. I could be wrong. But doing nothing is also a choice.
So many circular, spirally circumstances….and right now, I am hoping against hope that one small event that slotted itself in between 2 other almost identical scenarios, doesnt happen again. (Psychic shuffle hits the nail on the head again – soundtrack below) Because if that is how this plays out……that would be too cruel….for both of us.
But I can’t suppress my healing. Not now I have started. I cant.
He doesnt read this anyway.
*sigh* i didnt type a thing there for 2 whole songs.
Sweet child of mine now – guns an roses.
I have a lot of healing to do. But something seems to be working because i am getting the urge to leave the hermitage (my bedroom for those who hadnt realised that yet)
Not only that, but the urge to…..do stuff that i just havent been able to face.
After I have slept, that is a new target. Up and out the hermitage. Face the empty house while everyone is at work.
I wish 2 of my old friends would get in touch. I miss them. But i am not ready to re-join FB yet. Ha!! I have hardly left my bedroom since March!!! Re-joining FB feels like standing naked in the middle of wembley on cup final day.
I must try and sleep again.
Oh FFS – He played me this. I hadnt heard it before. Fuck!!
Amazed – Lonestar.
I’m crying now.
Just one year of love – Queen/ In The End – Linkin Park/After the day – Barclay James Harvest/Back to black – Amy Winehouse/kilometre – chicane/all day and all of the night – the stranglers/man on the moon – REM/turn to stone – ELO/GRENDEL – MARILLION/Jar of hearts – Christina Perri/babylons burning – the ruts/ old before i die – robbie williams/Timbaland&One Republic – Apologise)/carry on my wayward son – Kansas/cocteau twins – aikea-guinea/i’m gonna love you too – blondie/the boy with the thorn in his side – the smiths/walk on by – stranglers/hedonism – skunk anansie/fast car – tracy chapman/see you – depeche mode/heart of lothian – marillion/ love not money – EBTG/sweet child of mine – guns an roses/africa – toto/ amazed – lonestar.