And Some Days Just Defeat Me Completely

Like today.

And after waking up with another one of my ‘flusters’ this afternoon – a legacy of the anxiety when my forever person “went missing” – the only thing that keeps going through my head is “I can’t do this anymore.”

My flusters are when I wake in a panic and I have to know where everyone is, that they are safe. It’s scary because for a while I feel convinced that they’re not. That if I cant locate them, they’re in danger or missing. Today it was my eldest daughter.

And for a good long while afterwards I felt ….disconnected. As tho either the world wasnt real, or I wasn’t.

And only 3 wks ago things were coming back into focus. I couldnt do the just friends thing. Nor could I just walk away. So the agreement was to be friends with the hope of getting back to where we were, altho nothing was certain, we had a basis.

Then it became obvious there was take and no give.

So I withdrew from that hurt. But the hurt just got deeper as my birthday came and went with nothing. Not even two words – happy birthday – typed on a screen.

Its almost a week now.

This went way beyond him part way through the worst of it. There were hurts that cut to the bone that didnt come from him.

And my stargate clicks have all been in place for a while now. Just waiting, I suppose, for me to let go and walk through.

That agreement, I think gave me enough hope that my forever person wasnt lost to the abyss forever and that there was enough of him still there who cared enough to try.

I had just regained some hope – and……

Same old, same old. It’s me that isn’t enough.

I just hope it isnt stubborness. Altho what would be worse? I cant decide. Silence because he doesnt care? Or silence because he’s just too stubborn to say he does?

End result is the same.

Physically – between the FM and the migraines – I have no relief. None.
This is not a life. This is not living.

I’m a hermit.

And I’ve come to a dead end. Inside myself. I’m too tired. Even if I had the strength to pull myself out again…….there doesnt seem to be much point.

Life keeps throwing me all this shit. I’m not playing anymore. I’m done. I can’t.

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