So sang Garbage, many moons ago. And many moons before that – during one of the first major asthma attacks to land me in hospital when I was 18 – it was what one of the Drs said to me as he peeked in through the curtains at me every few minutes. Or words to that effect.
It was also the greeting on switching on my mobile for a very long time “Keep Breathing”
Just keep on keeping on.
Been there. Done that. Several times. Many times.
But you get so tired, you know? So tired of trying to hold everything and everyone together. How many times have I done that over the years?
And how many times have I had to put myself back together again, alone, afterwards?
There were always friends to fall back on, of course. There used to be family.
But at the end of the day, its only you that you take with you through every day. Only you yourself that you have to rely on. That is my conclusion.
And I am so very tired. I am tired of love equalling loss. Of it walking hand in hand with pain. To love is to be vulnerable. You give your heart to someone. I also give more than that.
And if you are friends first, then you fall in love? It hurts more. Forever person. Well….when all three things get thrown away as they were….its crippling. There is no other way to describe it.
I’m very stubborn. And I can be very opinionated. But things have to make sense. Stubborness for its own sake is pointless. There is no point or purpose to it.
But I am so very, very tired.
Weary to the core of all of this. There is no enthusiasm, nor determination left in me.
I have my own battles to fight daily. Yet I find the time and energy and love for him in amongst all of that.
So, if he is reading:
You fatigue me. You exhaust my scant reserves.
You will not listen. So you continue to flounder. How long until you have no choice but to admit your way isnt working?
Do you not want to get well?
You need to rethink. There is strength in that – can you not see that?
My daily battles are physical and mental and emotional. The last one is partly thanks to you.
I thought we could heal together.
You have to want to, though. And I do not think you do. I think it still pleases you on some level to be as you are.