Of Sifting and Sorting

And just how hard it all is.

Partly because there’s a lot to do. But also because there is a lot of reading to do.
I have always written. I have kept diaries, written stories and poems for fun, had penpals. And so there are many note books, A4 pads and loose bits of paper to go through.

Then there are the documents and files on my pc. I was looking at some today, from 8 years ago. It was……a very strange sensation. Almost like reading about someone else’s life.
I was working full time. At one point I had 3 separate groups running at the same time. Each needing schemes of work, lesson plans, resources etc. My caseload was around 100 at that point, if I remember correctly. I was also studying for 2 different qualifications at the same time. One at level 3 (A – level) and one at level 4 (degree level) with both requiring essays to be done etc. I had mentioned 10 assignments in 16 weeks.
And this was after a sudden and very stressful life change and during a period of ongoing stress in my personal life.
And I was already being treated for the symptoms of FM.
How on earth….?

I loved my job. And I gave it my all. And I loved the home we created for ourselves.
It was the added stress that did the damage – looking back.

But it was definitely like reading about another person’s life.

That someone had far more ‘sass’ than I do. She was much more energetic and interesting too.
And thinner. And funny.

I miss her.

I miss that life. My independence. Not just financial, but in my job. I was the department, with the occasional team member drafted in to help. The projects came in, and i developed them according to the criteria, recruited, delivered the training and worked through them from beginning to end. I managed my own time and I trained other staff and audited.

I won a regional award.

But the best bit of the job?
Was working with people who had been “written off” by their schools, by connexions and by other tutors. Sometimes they were written off decades ago and came because they wanted a career change.
I’ve identified dyslexia and deafness that schools have failed to identify and got the young person the right help and they’ve moved straight on to mainstream college and uni.

For some of my friends, I’m blowing an old trumpet here. They were there when this happened. (Stop yawning in the back there pd!!)

I guess I’m having a down day. And even tho I know I made a difference, it still makes me sad, coz I wish I still could.

And I still have so much sorting left to do. There will be a lot more reading.
I just hope the rest of it doesnt make me feel so ………blah *sigh*

This entry was posted in Fibromyalgia related stuff, General Chaos and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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