Before the dawn……
It’s pretty damn dark out there tonight. And silent. And so very still. My window is open as usual but I cant hear anything but the usual noises in my own ears. Wonderful tinnitus….you destroyer of true silence.
But the stillness outside reflects the emptiness within me in a very loud way tonight.
Empty. Or numb? I can’t quite decide.
There have been a few tears……of the sudden, big, hot variety. That spill fast and sudden and are often followed by sobs.
The familiar personality of a friend, brought close by the magic of technology, eased me over that bump gently; and I wonder now if she knows just how much her presence reassures. Just as it did ….27 years ago as I slept away a nasty breakup, emerging to find her calmly knitting in my window seat.
Day 2 of my kickback today. Tomorrow (today as you read this on the day of posting) will be better and I will drag my hurty body from my pit and get it moving again. I shall shower and go lilac. And if I have any energy left I will do some more sorting.
I can only chip away at it you see. A little at a time. And there is a lot to do before I can call it done. Before I know that there will be nothing for anyone else to sort.
That is my main focus now, you see. It cannot be any other way.
Oh yes, I love. But it is because I love that I choose this. I will not steal what I gave.
And maybe as I sort, and wait out the pain and sort some more; and go lilac then purple and blue then red and brown again; maybe I will help someone who used to be someone I love to become whole again.
In the dark, silence of the night. These are just some of the thoughts my heart hears