Counting Down….

“Time to go……”   Was it Alice that said that? It wasnt Zebedee. He said time for bed. Hmmm….maybe someone can remember.

It’s raining out there as I am writing this. Constant, steady and soothing. With none of the usual harsher spray from the road as the cars pass. Its a very quiet night.

Muted.

Depression is like that. I know many brighter and better people have described it far more eloquently than I ever could, but I do remember getting an A++ for an essay about it once.

I also remember that was the year I didnt need to attend the second semester as we had more than covered the syllabus in the weird, never to be repeated, A level I did. And I actually forgot about the exam til the tutor phoned me an hour before it started and i had to race in. I got 98% in the end – Abnormal Psychology. This was in the post nappy-brain and pre brain fog days – when i still had a brain basically.

But yes – depression – it has a muting effect. Life loses vibrancy, thought processes slow and narrow in focus, and emotions…they dull and fade into weak sepia toned versions – at best.

At its worst it can rob you of everything. Joy, hope, control, relationships, family, employment and home. And of course life itself.

You feel too much – pain. Despair. Loss. Misery. Regret. Anger. The list goes on. But at the core of all that. Beneath all the ‘Aaargghh’ is a gulf.

I used to describe it as a precipice. I used to be able to feel myself standing with my toes over the edge. And i’d be almost calmly waiting for that final shove from behind to just push me over into the void……and into the muted, dimmed, sluggish, isolate world i would then subsist in for a while.

I think my longest time was 2 years. Gods that was a struggle. I was a newly single parent, in the back of beyond, one of my children was very ill and i was in a lot of debt.
But i kept on keeping on.

Eventually it lifted as life changed around me.

Then I got self helpy coz the pills hadnt done a bloody thing.

Self helpiness helped. I read lots and laughed at some of the suggestions. I yawned my way through Deepak but i came back time and again to one book that had helped before and got me back into education, feeling real again and out of my terrible marriage. It was Susan Jeffers – Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.  I am not recommending this as a cure – dont be daft. Just saying that it helped me rethink a lot of shit. Although its not for everyone, i have lent it out and had to re-buy it more than once.

Psychological issues are always tough tho. People have said to me “oh i was so depressed. For about 2 weeks” and thats when i instantly think – NO – you were upset and miserable for a couple of weeks. Depression – proper depression is BIGGER/DARKER/DEEPER than what you are describing.

Its the old migraine thing isnt it. “Ooh i have a migraine” then why arent you home in a dark room with a cold cloth over your eyes? A migraine is not just a bad headache. Fibromyalgia is not just aches and pains etc

We use language far too flippantly sometimes methinks. It devalues, in the end and dumbs down. Its a shame.

I guess everyone has their own “end point”. That point/moment in time when they know enough is enough.

For me……its more like the Stargate. A series of smaller “clicks” setting segments of the gate in place while the rest of it spins.

There was another “click” tonight. Soft yet powerful – like a light switch being turned off on a room. I heard it. I felt it – simultaneously within my mind and in my ‘core’ as I felt that particular light go out.

Thats 3 now. Three sections of the gate. The ever turning wheel. 1 clicked a few years ago as the wheel came into being. I’m not actually sure how many sections it has, to be honest.

I am like the rain outside……muted.
Calm. And as the rain ends, as it has just now, inside I am still.

And this is so much more of a better place than where I have been in recent weeks. This I can cope with. The pain, I could not. The worry, I could not. The betrayal and loss ……never. The numbness wasnt good – just not numb enough.

There is no blame. Because in a brimming cup – who could ever know which molecule was the one to finally breach the miniscus?

I’ve just got too full, thats all.

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