Stages

If you are familiar with the 5 stages of grief (if not the Google is your friend) in practical reality rather than as a psychological model or theory, then you will understand that it’s more of a process than a series of stages. And i believe the lady who first observed the process of grief later expressed her regret at having used the term ‘stages’ in the first place.

But anyway – from memory, I believe the stages are – shock/disbelief, numbness, anger, bargaining/negotiation, acceptance.

And they were first observed in people diagnosed with terminal illnesses back in the late 60’s. But they can obviously be applied to any situation involving significant loss – and relationships ending in particular.

I reckon – apart from acceptance – I have rampaged through the others. Or to be more precise – they have rampaged through my head, my heart, my spirit and soul, like the tazmanian devil of the appropriately named looney tunes cartoons. Good old Taz! A spitting, snarling, slathering whirling dervish of no real purpose except absolute havoc, with comedy thrown in.

Yep! That sounds about right!

I’ve cried, howled, keened, wailed, rocked, sobbed, snotted, raged and furied. I have mooched and pined and sniffled and slept and laid there sleepless for hours on end. No – days, actually.  That have turned into weeks.

But you see – being thrown from the tension of the high wire at a rapid rate of knots into the jet stream of anxiety and worry only to then be head butted into a freefall from outer space. Without a parachute. And no safety net. Seriously – looking back, thats what it felt like.

And all with no explaination and no goodbye. Is it any wonder Taz made slurry from my sanity?

You read about this kind of stuff in weekly magazines, dont you?

But no – apparently it’s just another chapter in the jolly life of me.

All this verbosity to get to my point……….I am at NUMB.

NUMB NUMB NUMB NUMB NUMBNUMBNUMBNUMBNUMBNUMB

If you say a word over enough times it loses its meaning. Ever tried that? Give it a go now. Pick a word, any word and just repeat it lots, fast and then ask yourself what it means.

*shrugs* maybe its stops being fun once you stop being 15.

But NUMB is where i am at. And I’m really not sure this is better, to be honest. I mean, it’s just as consuming as the others. It’s just as single minded. It still stops me sleeping and eating – just for the record…..2 hrs sleep, a bowl of cereal, some choccy and 5 bitesize picnic eggs in the last 24 hrs.

Its all very……..meh.

My heart doesnt hurt anymore – its just a lead weight in my chest. I know i still love him. I cant get rid of that.  But then with this one, i dont think i ever will somehow. Nor the wishful thinking – that wont go away either.

And he knows all my thoughts. I let him know my anger. But I have ground to a big old grinding halt now.

Its all so very…..numb. Leaden.
It’s not as messy. But I think this is actually worse.

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