Memories….may be beautiful and yet…..
Indeed, Babs. I can’t bring myself to post any of them. The ones that come to memory the easiest are the hardest to describe. The ‘soppiest’ ones maybe. But the ones that would, ironically, be understood by everyone everywhere.
Then there are some unique to us, i think.
So, I’ll keep them to myself. He knows – he was there.
And the irony with all my musical references, is that my music barely touches me anymore.
It has been my lifeline, my safety net, my solace, my road back since……gods…..all my life. ALL MY LIFE. And now it is just ….tunes. The words no longer hit the spot. The melodies no longer fill my soul and lift it or embrace it as I am used to.
Probably only someone like me, whose life has a soundtrack will read that and give thought to it.
I don’t know – what does it mean?
I’m not dead inside – not while i feel this loss. It reminds me i am alive. It reminds me of the oldest insecurity of all – i am not enough. It reminds me and i wish it wouldnt.
That i was capable of feeling a love so bright, so strong, so deep and high and wide is a good thing, is it not?!?! But it wasnt enough. Not even that – the best of them all, was enough.
So being capable, and able, and willing – not enough.
I never will be………enough.
But i was led to believe and believe i did. I had no reason whatsoever to believe otherwise.
No explanation or goodbye.
Not worth even that.
Is it any wonder i hurt? Is it any wonder i grieve what was? Or all that should now be?
But this – once again – is not my life. This is not how anyone’s life should be.
I really dont want it anymore, thanks.