But Still………………and however……..

Memories don’t nourish. And you still have to wake up each morning knowing that after 16 months of believing the both of you had finally found your forever person in each other…..

…..you were still as easy to discard as ash flicked to the wind.

BUT

….. the love YOU felt
…. and the pain of loss you feel

Does not so easily go away.

HOWEVER………

Despite what some have…erm, suggested, that doesnt mean I am not “moving on”. Because, let’s face it – there is no miracle time machine, and the water that has been flowing under the bridge the last 3 months is full of crap, produced by shit, and it stinks to high heaven!!!

But that doesnt stop me grieving what was. I wish it did.

BTW – I had a look at one of those little booklet things that comes through the door. And yes, there are bloody loads of ‘groups’ and events to go to – if you are over 50!!! which I am not!!!!
It’s a very strange thing indeed, that is, once again being excluded for being too young. Once upon a time I looked older than my years. Now I am told time has been kind to me, I cant even sneak into the over 50’s clubs for a cup of tea and a chinwag. It seems wholly unfair, somehow. *sniffle* PMSL

And then there is the issue of trust…….hmmmmm…..well, that’s a wholle different ball game, isnt it. A whole different blog post too, probably.

So, moving on – it’s easy for some to say, easier still for others to do. But in reality………yeah. I’ll just go with my own flow, thanks. I did my best. And only twice did I speak out of spite, and then it was private.

But if you are reading this, and condemning me, then just for a minute – put yourself in my shoes. Just for a minute, imagine how this feels.
I am glad for you if you have never been hurt this way. I really am. I would not wish this on anyone.
I’ve just noted myself how I am writing more in the past tense, and that’s how it feels. It’s passed.

So take your condemnation away please.

My mistake was that I believed. Dont do the same.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in General Chaos and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to But Still………………and however……..

  1. pd says:

    Sometimes it can take decades to get over things and even then never really get over it.

    As for 50+, you could allways lie a little and make out your a few years older than you really are 🙂

    Like

  2. craftingchaos says:

    Of course there are, you’re only in your 40’s. My father didn’t marry my step mother until his mid 50s and they were married for 35 years before she died.

    But it is right that it can take decades to get over things, but that doesn’t mean the pain stays as sharp as it was at first, because it just doesn’t.
    I still feel the pain of things that are long gone and I don’t think I’ll ever get over them not matter how time passes. But I have learnt to live with them despite me thinking I couldn’t.

    I know this sounds trite, but give it more time. It’s so early on and the pain too raw to get perspective
    Xxx

    Like

    • oldmamoon says:

      And how many people live that long? I think your dad and step mum are exceptions rather than the rule.
      But i was never going to be an old lady. And from the minute i got this diagnosis i became absolutely determined not to be an old lady with FM. You know yourself how it is. How much of our lives it steals from us and how much pain we are in day to day.
      So, there never were decades for me. It’s a simple fact.
      I know your opinions on this topic and i know you disagree with me. So we just have to disagree. That decision was not born from depression btw, but from knowing myself and how i already resent this illness. By the time i am 70 with the additional effects of cronehood upon me i will be the most vile, unpleasant creature around. And i refuse point blank to impose that on my daughters. I fought too hard and too long for their lives in this world in the first place to steal the best of them looking after me when i am old. And i would rather die than go in a home. So it’s a choice. My choice. My time my terms. My decision.

      Like

      • craftingchaos says:

        My dad isn’t 90 yet and as we speak the life expectancy in Europe is 80, so in 40 years it could easily be 90/95. *wink*

        But I’m not arguing love. No point, is there? Xx

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s