The Wheel Turns

As it always does.  And yes, I still feel the loss of what I had. But that was like a holiday snapshot, I think. A brief period of great joy out of something that was otherwise – in their case, not mine – quite sad and actually very lonely.

Who was it that said “Fear is the mind killer” ?  I think they were right.  But to be afraid of yourself…..and worse…..the better and best aspects of you. That is cause for pity, perhaps.

But I am not there yet. I am angry. VERY, angry.

And it’s not the bright, flash of anger that flares in me fast and sudden, and dies just as quickly. Nope. This is the kind of anger that can melt steel. It is white, intense and sharp. And it isnt hurting me.

I retract all blame I was taking on board. Yep I can be a pain in the bum. But I was in RE-action mode for a very long time. reacting to tone out of place, to things said that were…………not quite as before, to tiny nuances maybe too subtle for others, but like giant chimes of a tolling bell for me. I’ve heard them before, and know them well.

I have pieced together enough. Uncovered enough. A picture paints a thousand words – oh yes it does!!

So, I’ll grieve for the fragment, rage against the circumstances no one could have done anything about, and be thankful it happened now and not further down the line.

I’ve learned from this. In ways I could not have anticipated. About friendship, and friends, my own inner truths, and the nature of lies.

But my heart still beats. My heart still feels. My heart is not empty and closed. And my conscience is clear.

 

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6 Responses to The Wheel Turns

  1. craftingchaos says:

    You will never ever believe how pleased I am that you are no longer blaming yourself. There was no blame for you.
    I have been desperate to connect with you and have had many nights awake worrying, but I didn’t know how to hold out my hand to you when you couldn’t hear anything bad about him. For once in my stupid life I didn’t know how to talk to you. I’m sorry.

    I don’t know what’s happened and I don’t know what made you come to this conclusion because you withdrew from me, but I wish you everything good and hope you can at least find a bit of peace. Xxx

    Like

  2. oldmamoon says:

    Oh no, there were things I could have been blamed for. But I relinquish responsibility for the blame.
    For the time we were happy together, from our first chats online to a few weeks after he left here in January, he was the man I fell in love with – despite the nuances. That time period is, as far as I am concerned, sacrosanct. And no-one but me, him, and our children were witness to how it was between us, so no-one else is able to judge.
    However – everything that has led me to my conclusions reveals that those 16 months, were, as I say – a snapshot. I’m not going to say anything more than that – here, there, or anywhere.

    But thank you. I hope so too xx

    Like

    • craftingchaos says:

      You sound so remote and I don’t know what to do about it. Please just don’t forget I’m here if you need me right where I always was xxx

      Like

      • oldmamoon says:

        I dont know how I sound remote. My heart and soul is out there as always. But as I said on FB, I have not come out of this unscathed. It’s not really possible to, is it?

        Like

  3. pd says:

    anger to melt steel !, hell thats one lot of anger there.

    Like

    • oldmamoon says:

      Yes, I suppose it is, Paul. But when you are led to believe that the man you love is desperately depressed and needs to be alone, and you are worried sick. And his daughter is worried sick. Then by accident you find evidence to the contrary – it tends to piss you off a little.

      Like

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