As it always does. And yes, I still feel the loss of what I had. But that was like a holiday snapshot, I think. A brief period of great joy out of something that was otherwise – in their case, not mine – quite sad and actually very lonely.
Who was it that said “Fear is the mind killer” ? I think they were right. But to be afraid of yourself…..and worse…..the better and best aspects of you. That is cause for pity, perhaps.
But I am not there yet. I am angry. VERY, angry.
And it’s not the bright, flash of anger that flares in me fast and sudden, and dies just as quickly. Nope. This is the kind of anger that can melt steel. It is white, intense and sharp. And it isnt hurting me.
I retract all blame I was taking on board. Yep I can be a pain in the bum. But I was in RE-action mode for a very long time. reacting to tone out of place, to things said that were…………not quite as before, to tiny nuances maybe too subtle for others, but like giant chimes of a tolling bell for me. I’ve heard them before, and know them well.
I have pieced together enough. Uncovered enough. A picture paints a thousand words – oh yes it does!!
So, I’ll grieve for the fragment, rage against the circumstances no one could have done anything about, and be thankful it happened now and not further down the line.
I’ve learned from this. In ways I could not have anticipated. About friendship, and friends, my own inner truths, and the nature of lies.
But my heart still beats. My heart still feels. My heart is not empty and closed. And my conscience is clear.