When Stubborness Collides…………….or………….Two Sides to Every Story…………and Can One Insight Change the World?

Let’s start with a bit of frivolity, shall we?  I am a Gemini. And I can be very mercurial in nature. I can flare with anger quite quickly at times, but that anger can drop away just as fast. My brain – and therefore my conversation – flits around between topics, yet makes perfect sense to me.  But its a mad brain! My physics teacher once warned me it would drive me insane if I didnt learn to accept that some things ‘just are’ – because my brain always wants to know stuff. It’s inquisitive. Tell me something, my brain goes “Why did that happen?”  Show me something and my brain goes “How did that happen?” I can’t help it. Its just the way I am. It’s like I had to actually see a lock being worked for my brain to accept the ‘how’ of it.  It has been both a blessing and a curse.

Anyway – I am sitting here – not in bed – at stupid o’clock in the morning, with a packet of freddos and a nice cup of tea. And I feel…………..calm. Ha!! How amazing is that??!!

BUT (there is always one of them isnt there) it won’t last long, I know. In fact, as I write this, I know my nervousness will begin to be felt.

Because…………well………….

because I screwed up.

I did.

A lot.

And often

Yis

However……………I am not taking the blame – as such……………because……..well, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction kind of thing.

I have been in a position of reaction for a while now. And I reacted from the heart while my brain was shouting “WHAT?? WHY?? WHY?? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY??????????????”  and my heart was just fracturing into the tiniest pieces of diamond bright pain.

I have been grieving. Full on, wholesale grieving. Because usually when something comes to an end, someone says – “its over” in one way or another – it is made clear that that relationship is no more. There is usually an explanation, maybe an apology, possibly break up sex and an attempt to be friends. Depending on circumstances there could be lots of break up sex, or lots of throwing of things. Or just a handshake and off you go. But something is decided and said. Even if one party doesnt want it to end, the end is clearly defined.

THAT has not happened for me. I reacted and instead of spending a week trying to get a response to make sure he hadnt misunderstood, I should just have sent one text explaining.

I cocked that up.

And as time passed and I still heard nothing – I went through anger, and irritation, frustration, desperation, feeling frantic, bereft, forlorn, abandoned, mistreated, sad, miserable………..wash, rinse, repeat ……………………..about a dozen times.

And because we had always, always talked about stuff……………you name it, we’ve talked about it………..and because it’s just part of my nature to want to ‘fix’ and help (I’m a mother, it kind of happens…like afterbirth and stretch marks) that is what I tried to do.

And I cocked up.

But because I love him. Because I am stubborn, determined and sometimes fiesty. Because I am…………………me…………….I wasnt going to give up on him and I wasnt ready to give up on “us”

I screwed up

And I had been naggy prior to all this (cringes in absolute shame and self loathing)

Another cock up

And there is more…………….seriously………………lots more………….. I am rubbish.

So, while I cannot take the blame…………I can and am holding my hands up to say that I handled things so, so badly. I screwed up, but I was so full of grief…………because it felt…..it really has felt and probably will continue to feel……….as if the man I love has died. He has simply gone from my life. I couldnt see the wood for trees. I lost sight actually, of him.

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

This side is harder. Because it’s not mine. And because I have screwed up.

There is one possibility that has been implied – that there is someone else. That cropped up as a paranoid fear for me. But it doesnt quite ‘fit’.

Another is that I have transmogrified from beloved Forever Person into Hysteria Queen of the 21st century and am therefore to be avoided at all costs, *cringes* (see above!!! see above!!!!!!!!)

But the other………………..is that there was a black hole that wasnt meant to be shared.

And I screwed up, and kept screwing up, and turned a slight smoulder of annoyance into a flickering, spitting fire. Which I then went and threw petrol on. You know………..just coz I was fecking stupid, like.

And meanwhile, there he is, in the midst of a vacuum, surrounded by all this madness and chaos and………………………..

He didnt intend any of it.

He didnt “do” anything.

The fire analogy probably isnt very good coz he’s quite partial to fire, but it’s late………….and it works as an example.

And he’s probably livid with me.

And looked at in those terms………………….I wouldnt know what to say either. I wouldnt know what to do. I think I’d just keep quiet and hope it all went away. Especially if I felt backed into a corner.

And most particularly if I was feeling stubborn, and angry and all…………..why the fuck ‘should’ I explain myself?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

SO – if this was the realms of the Gods, chances are that using stubborness alone we would have created whole new universes with our clash of wills.  But as it is we have created a massive mess out of what was quite possibly the most amazing love it was possible to have.

Yes, we are quite different in a fair few ways (*whispers* dont mention politics)  but we share so much more.  And since I went down to look for him, we now share so much more than that.

This has been a relationship full of laughter and fun, and shared wavelength. You know, when you dont have to explain – when a look says it for you. We hug, and it’s like our hearts hug as well – It’s a physical sensation. He has given me back pieces of myself that I didnt even realise were missing. He was as easy to be with as being by myself.

I dont mind telling the entire world how much this man means to me. Nor do I mind telling the world just how badly I wish we could just go back in time a few weeks and do things differently.

I wish he could know that he doesnt have to explain himself.  I was given an insight tonight that has made all the difference in the world.

I wish he could know that what I have already said stands even more strongly because of that.  That what matters is now, and the future.

If he still loves me, maybe he can forgive me enough for us to just put this time period away as the time that never was, and either pick up where we left off, or begin to make inroads back to where we were – before the shite set in. Before the black holes. And the fallout.

I think I would give anything to wake up one morning to a Good Morning text like nothing had happened.

My Love – I am so, so sorry. Can you forgive me? xxxx


 

 

 

 

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