Ebbing and Flowing

No vertigo this time tho, coz its not visual and external. Its internal.

The current advice is let go. The advice i was given 4 weeks ago was walk away. Another friend says I am too stubborn and too forgiving. But I wonder where they would have been now if i wasnt this way.

Or is that the reality of it? That they would still be in the same place now if i had walked away from them when i was advised to. Oh to be on Terry Pratchett’s Long Earth  to be able to find out. But in a multiverse of infinite possibilities……..i guess real life is like that anyway. And it certainly seems like that’s what i have been dealing with here in recent weeks. Only one person knows…..and he’s not telling.

I ebb away into darkness and sleep – and dream. Everything from the bizarre and funny of being midwife as Billy Connelly gave birth ……to the painfully poignant where i dreamed the man i love was here in the room with me. He woke me gently with a touch to my hand as he always did and i was so glad, so relieved he was here, that he was back, I turned and reached out my arms to hold him, as i woke up for real and realised it wasnt true.

And i flow ……with tears even when i am not crying, they trickle steadily from my eyes down my cheeks and fall off my chin. While i try to eat, while i try to read, while i am staring out my window watching the sycamore leaves bud ever greener.

And also with snot when i do cry, which is never pretty. Tissues are too fragile for this kind of grief so kitchen roll it is. I briefly considered grabbing a tee shirt then realised it was his. I bet he’s glad he didnt leave his yellow car one here now like he almost did!

My cats come and sit by me. They bring wet nose kisses and head bumps and lend gentle loving support.

My daughters who are both dying on their feet with different lurgies come and hold my hand and bring me cereal and tea, which is about all i can swallow. And all they can say is “i dont know mum”. Which is true. They dont

How could love turn into this?

How could forever person be ignored and forgotten?

Well, not forgotten. I am sure he still reads my messages to him.

But its not the how, i wish i knew. It’s why. But if I was able to go back in time, or reverse the situation somehow, it wouldnt matter why, would it. Maybe if the love is still there, it doesnt matter anyway.

BUT we both fucked up, in our ways. We both could have done things differently. And despite what anyone else thinks – if my theory is in any way correct – the white flag is flying – for a while. He knows this.

You do, after all, only get one forever person

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One Response to Ebbing and Flowing

  1. pd says:

    its not easy

    Like

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