Well, not where I was in the last post on here, that’s for sure. And why was I calling him Bert? That isnt his real name. No. Tis part of his old blog’s name. The blog that no longer exists.
A lot has happened since then. We spent a wonderful week on the boat in Market Harborough, after he and his daughter had spent a week with us. And i went home feeling loved, blessed, relaxed and good.
A couple of days later after picking my daughter and her boyfriend up from the railway station after their holiday………another car drove straight into the side of us and that was the start of what has been an enormous pile of poo since then.
Let’s see…We’ve had injuries, physio, written off cars, stolen bikes, injured ankles, knees and wrists. Flu – twice (me), i could have written a book about the incompetencies of insurance companies! Then there was bereavement, chest infections, a cooker that died on boxing day. Gods, what else? Depressions, house re-wires and suspected TIAs. Anything I missed out? Oh yes – missing boyfriends.
The last one…..almost a month of extreme worry. And quite a ‘tragic’ tale really. But I was still hanging on – by a thread, admittedly, and propped up with anti anxiety meds. But this camel’s back wasnt quite broken. The ‘missing’ boyfriend was more……absent really. (And is almost a novel all by itself)
But the straw did fall. And it did land.
And now I am here. Which is mostly in bed. But….my future has been stripped away. The sense of security i had finally found and was beginning to believe in FFS – pulled out from under me.
And my head – the inside of which is never still at the best of times; sometimes terribly foggy and in need of a de-clutter – is a very odd place to be right now.
In fact I dont want to reside in my skull right now. It feels like its going to explode. The straw that fell like an atom split – in my head. And I am not big enough to hold it all in.
My heart – oh gods the real, actual, physical pain – in my chest where my heart has been mangled and chewed and kicked: the force of that is unreal! It doubles me over, bends me in half, sucks the air from me and i find myself weeping and rocking and wailing.
And my head is all like…….full, overloaded, pushing my eyeballs out from inside and behind that mad frantic chaos……is a void. That is growing.
And thats where I am now.
And I want to go home.
But home is in the arms of another who has put themselves so far out of reach……they will probably blow away.