I haven’t updated as much as I wanted to at the beginning of the year, mainly because I seem to be having an awful lot of bad days. My fatigue levels are off the scale, and I am sure I would quite happily sleep round the clock some days if there was nothing to disturb me. But there always is – which is probably a very good thing really – despite the fact I then spend my awake time battling heavy eyelids that frequently threaten to drop.
There are always kitties who want feeding or who simply climb on me, then sneak close enough to yeow in my ear, bless em, just coz they want a fuss.
The cats are funny at times, but especially when I am in bed. Zoe always sleeps either on my bed or on the folded quilt on top of my wardrobe. Rory likes to sneak up there too when Zoe isn’t around, but more often than not if I wake in the night Rory is curled up as close to me as she can get next to my pillows, rather than on the quilt. And on the days when I stay in bed, the girls stay close by. If I get up to the loo, they follow me out, and sit on the landing waiting to see where I go next. If I look like I am going downstairs – they bomb it down ahead of me. If I don’t follow them, they are back in a flash to settle down in my room again.
A couple of weeks ago, during one of these somnolent days, I did something I never do – curled up on one seat of the sofa and fell asleep for an hour. Rory apparently was very worried and came and head butted me several times, then just settled herself next to me on the arm of the chair, keeping a close eye on me, bless her.
And they love it when I venture out into the garden. They come running up, stretch up onto their hind legs and head butt my hands.
I love my cats, can you tell?
I have also had rather too many down days when I wish I was asleep. Yes I take my anti depressants, but on those days I can barely rustle the enthusiasm up to eat let alone do anything interesting. And I have many craft projects lined up as well as a whole house that always needs something doing in it. I find I am living in my head so much and the thoughts aren’t specific enough to share with anyone. It’s just a deep heavy ache, a numbness of mind that, I think, comes with being ill – feeling like you are constantly coming down with flu, and /or having constant pain despite pain killers. And because of that, being stuck in the house so much. Not that there is anyone local to go out and do anything with, of course. But my girls are good at dragging me out and into town where I get pushed around in my wheelchair, which I still secretly hate with a passion. But the fact of the matter is that if I didn’t use the chair I just wouldn’t get to see what little I do because even with a stick I cannot walk those distances.
The FM has completely changed my life, and the person I used to be seems like a vague memory of another lifetime.
*sigh* I can rationalise this until I am blue in the face, I can implement all the happy thoughts and blessings that it is possible to find, but none of it actually takes away the fact that I am ill.
And alone. And getting older year by year, and further from the person it took me almost 40 years to become.
So, that’s why I haven’t posted as much as I wanted to.
Maybe I should force myself to – maybe it might help. But I don’t think it will enthral anyone who happens to stumble across my blog.
I see all these inspirational people online who find the energy to campaign etc, and I admire them; but I did a whole load of that when I was young and had unlimited energy, for various causes that cropped up in my life. I even made it into the local newspapers and onto TV many years ago. But I do not know where the people with disabilities and illnesses get their energy from. I wish I did.
Maybe I should write retrospectively about some of my experiences when I did have a life – or would that be too depressing? But maybe I need a reminder of what I have accomplished. I don’t know – it’s a double edged sword isn’t it. And it might make me look terribly tragic in the process.
Still – at least I can still write and type, even if it’s only for short bursts.
Well, this will have to do for today – and tomorrow I plan to post about my latest attempt to improve my health.
Traaa for now xxx