Stagnation

Well, I said it would be one step forward, two steps back, and sometimes I wouldn’t move anywhere at all. Today is a stagnant day.

I am trying to give up smoking, for one thing. I have 18 hr patches which are really good, and I have started at the middle strength ones too. I also have an inhalator, which I have used twice. And I have done pretty well. I haven’t been completely fag free – I have had 3 – 5 of my skinny roll ups each day. I am not climbing the walls, I have not turned into the she demon from hell that had my kids begging me to smoke again last time. But I am weepy.

However, I think this is partly down to a lack of painkillers. I was late ordering my repeat prescription and so had to halve my dose over the weekend, and I had none for when I got up today. Thankfully the chemist delivers because I wasn’t able to go and get them.
I am now waiting for them to kick in so I can go to look for hanging basket plants with my man, but making a cup of coffee just now – hurt more than I am comfortable with.

I am used to pushing through pain, and even with full doses of painkillers I am never without pain. It’s always there. But at least I am up and about. Even 3 months ago I would have had to stay in bed if I hadn’t had any painkillers.

But because its hot and muggy today and I feel weepy and I hurt, I have looked around me at the state of the house and really felt like crying. How am I ever going to get this straight while I am like I am ?
It’s not just the pain and lack of energy of FM – it’s also the thought of tackling it all, and the sense of boredom. I mean, its almost a year since we moved in here and the house is still in chaos. I was never the world’s best housekeeper in terms of tidiness and organisation, but this is beyond the pale. In Flylady’s terms it really is a state of CHAOS – Cant Have Anyone Over Syndrome!!

I really want to come of this last tiny bit of morphine as after about 5 mins activity I am dripping with sweat, which is terribly off putting for me, and very embarrassing if anyone is around to see it. How am I going to be able to get back to work when I have that to contend with?
And how am I going to manage financially once Becky leaves college in a few short weeks if I can’t go back to working at least part time ?

Today it all just feels like way too much to cope with.

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